Top 10 Guilty Pleasures of 2004

1. 13 Going on 30: Because girls, they wanna have fun.

2. Hidalgo: Two hours of Viggo on a horse—what more could you ask for? And it brought us 2004's hottest catchphrase, "What in hellfire?" Okay, maybe that was only hot in my world.

3. Secret Window: This movie lets you hang around the house with Johnny Depp for two whole hours—I could watch it every day! Nothing beats the fit of shock he has when he realizes he's officially arrived in Crazy Town. "Rah... rah. Rah!"

4. Finding Neverland: What's a thoughtful, critically acclaimed movie doing on my list? Oh yes! Johnny Depp explains it!

5. The Village: Don't throw things at me! I saw this before the ending was leaked and the plagiarism controversy erupted. I was totally taken in by the story, and if I were a blind girl living in a town besieged by porcupine/bear people, I'd want Joaquin Phoenix to look out for me. If he were stabbed by the village idiot (hypothetically, of course) I'd totally crawl through mud to get him medicine.

6. Dodgeball: Forget Ben Stiller. Nevermind Vince Vaughn. Three cheers for Jason Bateman and his hilarious game commentary. Three more cheers for Stephen Root thinking that his wife is telling him she loves him when she makes an L on her forehead... You know, L for love.

7. 50 First Dates: Sean Astin is hilarious as Drew Barrymore's steroid-addled, lisping brother. I was afraid he'd kick my "ath" if I left this one off. Plus, Drew always makes me cry.

8. Shrek 2: Even though I liked Shrek better.

9. Mean Girls: May fall right off this list if Lindsay Lohan gets any more press. Way to go, Tina Fey, though.

10. Spider-Man 2: Not even thinking for myself at this point. I totally wanted to put The Punisher instead, but I wasn't sure how long people would honor the not throwing things request.

Top 10 Movies of 1984

If you think this is a poor display of critical judgment, just look at the amazing list I could have made in 1984! Not only were the movies better 20 years ago, after two decades, it's easier to see what stands up to the test of time:

1. Amadeus: One of the few winners of the Academy Award for Best Picture that stands up to repeated viewings. Ah, the music, the intrigue, the strange laughter and creative profanity of Tom Hulce! Is it wrong that I really liked Salieri?

2. Romancing the Stone: Romance, adventure, comedy, and feminist undertones! Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner never looked better. And don't forget Danny DeVito!

3. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom: Need I say more?

4. Ghostbusters: Comedy meets science fiction—who ya gonna call?

5. Sixteen Candles: "What's a-happening hot stuff?" Political incorrectness abounds!

6. Beverly Hills Cop: Action, comedy, and a surprisingly sturdy story. Have you gotten the soundtrack out of your head yet?

7. The Karate Kid: An icon is born! You decide if I mean Daniel or Mr. Miyagi.... "Wax on, wax off."

8. Gremlins: A Christmas horror-comedy classic! Remember the rules—keep them away from bright light, never get them wet, and never feed them after midnight. It's harder than you'd think!

9. Splash: Thirteen years later Madison is not just a mermaid—she's making her ascent up the list of top 10 baby names. By 2002 it's the number 2 name in the country. And to think Daryl Hannah picked it off a street sign!

10. Places In The Heart: Sally Field and her kids make us cry with their bloodied fingers as they pick an entire field of cotton by hand. John Malkovich and Danny Glover also shine.

Honorable mention goes to The Killing Fields and Racing With the Moon. Matt Dillon is priceless as The Flamingo Kid. Little Drew Barrymore kicks ass in the major guilty pleasure Firestarter, then makes social commentary on modern parenting in Irreconcilable Differences. Mel Gibson looks hot and proves his dramatic ability in The River and Mrs. Soffel—there are no indications that he will unleash The Passion of the Christ on an unsuspecting public. Kevin Bacon stars in a little movie called Footloose. Kids luck out with the thought-provoking Neverending Story... Cher, if I could turn back time, I know where I'd go.

I'll get back to you in 2024 with my real list for 2004, but I'll bet it won't hold a candle to 1984.