Best of 2006

1. Children of Men. Alfonso Cuarón's vision of mankind's near future—in which human fertility is a thing of the past—is almost unbearably bleak, as well as shockingly violent. In a merciless British police state, the first pregnant woman in 18 years is an illegal immigrant who faces prison camp if she does not escape detection. Children of Men is intelligent, restrained, and cut through with faith in the human spirit that brought me to tears.



2. Marie Antoinette. Sofia Coppola's follow-up to Lost in Translation is pitch-perfect for many of the same reasons. If you can get over a few pop songs and jump cuts, this surprisingly conventional biopic has the distinction of actually feeling like someone's life and not a timeline from a textbook. Dreamy and intoxicating -- true to teenage life in any era.



3. Volver. Penélope Cruz shines...finally. My thoughts here.



4. The Prestige. The turn of the 20th century, that historical meeting ground between technology and magic, is the perfect setting for this tale of rival magicians and the obsessions that destroy them. Fiendishly clever and spellbinding to look at, The Prestige is a thriller that actually thrills, and a mystery that wraps you up in intrigue...and plays fair.



5. Dreamgirls. This dazzling adaptation, chronicling the rise and, er, rise of a '60s girl group, anchors itself in a pivotal era for black music and uses explosive songs and visuals to tell a real story. Jennifer Hudson's thunderous performance is something you must witness for yourself, but everyone involved is up to the challenge—including Beyonce "The Fighting Temptations" Knowles and Eddie "Norbit" Murphy.



6. The Science of Sleep. No one puts the subconscious on film like Michel Gondry, and here his latest dreamer is played by Gael García Bernal as a young man who cannot tell the difference between dream and reality. Things get complicated when he falls in love with the girl next door. Gondry's outlandish style perfectly suits this tale of problematic intersection between romance and creativity.



7. The Queen. An electrifying glimpse behind the near-fall of the British monarchy after Princess Diana's death in 1997. The flame burning quietly beneath every scene is Helen Mirren's sublime portrayal of a conflicted Queen.



8. A Prairie Home Companion. Robert Altman's final film is a lovely and melancholy peek behind the scenes of the classic radio show on the eve of its final broadcast. This is the kind of joyful, organic ensemble that makes you wish the drifting camera could stick around with every single character without depriving you of any others.



9. The Descent. A group of women, close friends and extreme adventurers, find themselves trapped two miles below ground in a caving expedition gone wrong. That's scary enough before slimy creatures emerge and start picking them off. Rich in gore and subtext, The Descent delves deep into true horror. Comparisons to Ridley Scott's classic Alien couldn't be more earned.



10. Little Miss Sunshine. "Where's Olive?" There is nothing not to love about this movie.

Worst of 2006

1. The Illusionist. More than any other terrible movie this year, The Illusionist really got away with it, and for that it earns the #1 spot on my shitlist this year. I couldn't have been less prepared for this ridiculous crapfest, considering the decent Tomatometer score. Lousy writing and performances, murky photography, network-TV-10-years-ago-grade CGI, and simply bad storytelling make The Illusionist nothing short of ridiculous.



2. London. I will argue that London is essential viewing for any aspiring screenwriter, in order to learn everything that can go catastrophically wrong with a screenplay. Be prepared for true dread to consume you as it becomes apparent how much of himself writer/director Hunter Richards has put into this embarrassment.



3. School for Scoundrels. I hated this movie so much, I was compelled to fully articulate my hatred here.



4. The Lake House. I wasn't surprised to find it was stupid. I was floored by how stupid it was. Stupid like any movie starring a magical mailbox would be. Yet even stupider.



5. The Da Vinci Code. Realizations novel-based films aren't supposed to inspire: "I guess the book was kind of crappy, too."

Borat
Thank You for Smoking
The Devil Wears Prada
Slither

Lady in the Water
American Dreamz
My Super Ex-Girlfriend
Poseidon
Lady in the Water again, because it sucked so bad

Pan's Labyrinth
The Departed
The Fountain
United 93
Fur: An Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus

World Trade Center
Flags of Our Fathers
A Good Year

1. M. Night Shyamalan casting himself as a martyred writer whose work will eventually save humanity in Lady in the Water
2. Shyamalan's petulant characterization of the film critic as a joyless prig, who is subsequently brutally murdered, in Lady in the Water
3. Preston Lacy is supposed to fart in a funnel, which is connected to a helmet, which Steve-O is wearing, but he takes a dump instead, and Steve-O can't help puking, and fills the helmet with barf, in Jackass Number Two
4. Shauna Macdonald paddling around in a chunky blood moat in The Descent
5. Jerri Blank's Indian sexy dance, complete with eyeballs painted on her eyelids, in Strangers With Candy
6. Just... Saw III

Monster House

London, which does not take place in London, and in which no one talks about London, comes from London, has been to London, is going to London, or has probably heard of London

Dreamgirls, in which Beyonce definitively shows that she can sing and act, previously unproven to me

Poseidon, in which Fergie has no lines and then drowns

Last Holiday
A Prairie Home Companion
Akeelah and the Bee

Being made 5 years too late doesn't change the fact that Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny made me laugh almost as much as Borat

Running With Scissors, in which every character is a screeching and/or crying lunatic

Jackie Earle Haley as a pedophile and self-mutilator in Little Children

Rinko Kikuchi as the sexually agitated deaf-mute Chieko in Babel

Idlewild
Bobby

The Illusionist
My Super Ex-Girlfriend

Jennifer Hudson getting kicked off 5th in American Idol's third season, then proceeding to star in Dreamgirls and likely owning an Oscar in two months

Happy Feet

Naked, hairy man brawl between Sacha Baron Cohen and Ken Davitian in Borat

10-year-old Abigail Breslin's striptease to "Superfreak" in Little Miss Sunshine

Children of Men

Babel

The Dead Girl

Infamous, a welcome second take after last year's dull Capote

"Something's wrong with me..."
-- Brenda James, swollen to the size of a barn with alien slugs growing inside her, in Slither

"When it comes to mind-fucking, she's the all-time genius!"
-- David Thewlis on Sharon Stone's character in Basic Instinct 2

"He's hearing the voice of God through a crossword puzzle!"
-- Sarita Choudhury in Lady in the Water

"If you love me, why don't you just say it? It's three words. It's... [counting] L-O-V-E Y... It's eight fucking letters. You can't say eight fucking letters? It's not a lot of letters."
-- Jessica Biel in London

Slither

Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest

Jude Law as a widower with two adorable little girls and a burning desire to commit in The Holiday

Daniel Craig as the deliciously buff, blonde Bond in Casino Royale

Patrick Wilson in Little Children

Imagine Kevin Spacey's sales pitch as he tries to sell even one acre of land on the crystalline continent he's growing, resulting in millions of deaths and international destruction, in Superman Returns

Think for just a moment about the world of Cars

There's a lot more than love letters Keanu Reeves could be sticking in that magical mailbox for Sandra Bullock to find in The Lake House

Kathleen Turner in Monster House, who was actually motion-captured to play the title character

Mo'Nique in Phat Girlz (get it she is the size of a house LOL)

Eddie Murphy in Dreamgirls

Laura Linney in Man of the Year

Penélope Cruz, whose face I constantly ridicule, and who was so good in Volver I found her beautiful

M. Night Shyamalan, whose films I've defended endlessly, and whose Lady in the Water was so awful I look at his previous work differently and am reasonably convinced he's a terrible person

Pamela Anderson in Borat

Dane Cook in London

This Film is Not Yet Rated

Jackass Number Two, which is inadvertently more effective at exposing the frighteningly arbitrary nature of the MPAA ratings system

The Holiday

American Dreamz

The Devil Wears Prada

Perfume: The Story of a Murderer
Smokin' Aces
Because I Said So
Music and Lyrics
Reno 911! Miami
Black Snake Moan
Zodiac
Lucky You
The Last Mimzy
The Hoax
Spider-Man 3
Ratatouille
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
The Simpsons Movie

Epic Movie
Norbit
Ghost Rider
Wild Hogs
300
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
Transformers
Mr. Woodcock