Best of 2005

1. Munich. Like last year’s Million Dollar Baby, this one snuck up quietly at the very end of the year and was so astoundingly good, it forced me to rethink my whole top 10. Like Syriana (which was tragically forced into 11th place), instead of taking a side on such a complex and relevant subject, it takes a braver route and shows us many different sides.



2. Brokeback Mountain. Not only did it finally get made, it was made right. Paradoxically, by keeping the focus so tightly on the two main characters’ lives, Ang Lee avoids the specificity of the silly "gay cowboy" movie label that would make it irrelevant to anyone who wasn’t gay and/or a cowboy. The result is a deep and powerful love story that could not be more universal in its depiction of love, so nicely stated in its tagline, as a force of nature. There are parts of this movie I can’t think about without feeling on the verge of tears. But there is nothing cheap or unearned about them.



3. Pride & Prejudice. I wanted to wrap myself in this movie and never emerge. Truly wonderful performances, gorgeous photography, and a Mr. Darcy hot enough to fry an egg on. You’re making a mistake if you’re skipping this one out of loyalty to the BBC series.



4. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. The series continues to grow up, and gets better and better with each installment. This one earns the right to explore dark, dark territory by treating it with weight and respect.



5. The Producers. The 1968 classic was, and is, untouchable. The new version delights on its own terms, with enough old funny, new funny, and lusciously retro musical numbers to make you laugh until you cry.



6. King Kong. Peter Jackson takes on another impossibly ambitious adaptation and delivers so hard you can’t believe your eyes. But it would all mean nothing if it wasn’t the (second) most heart-wrenching love story of the year.



7. Sin City. YES.



8. Walk the Line. Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon give two stunning performances each: their acting, and their singing. This is the best work either of them has ever done.



9. Shopgirl. Simple, beautiful, and achingly moving.



10. The 40-Year-Old Virgin. You know what? I haven’t walked out of a movie this happy in years. I couldn’t believe how long it took me to stop smiling. I heart Steve Carrell, Catherine Keener, and R-rated comedies that don’t suck.

Worst of 2005

1. White Noise. I was still living in Scotland. Rosie and I wanted to see a scary movie. We were uninformed. We left the theater cursing everyone involved in the creation of this infuriatingly tedious and clichéd "thriller."



2. Aeon Flux. Okay, so it’s an easy target. It still sucked.



3. Be Cool. Why did this happen? Uma Thurman can feel free to add this to her list of life regrets. On the other hand, maybe she should get another Oscar nomination for acting as if Christina Milian has talent.



4. Herbie: Fully Loaded. Y’all know I worship the Lohan, but in her last role before losing her curves, red hair, and reputation, I still couldn’t bring myself to find this sequel anything but stinky and lame.



5. Casanova. Yeah.

Syriana
Jarhead
North Country

The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio
Good Night, and Good Luck
Wallace & Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit
Capote
Everything is Illuminated
The Constant Gardener
Separate Lies
Pretty Persuasion
Grizzly Man
Broken Flowers
Junebug
2046
Stay
Hustle & Flow
November
Me and You and Everyone We Know
Howl’s Moving Castle
Duma

Cinderella Man
Elizabethtown
The Greatest Game Ever Played
Kingdom of Heaven
The Perfect Man
Fantastic Four

1. John Travolta and Uma Thurman in Be Cool watching Christina Milian in awe as she squeals a horrendous ballad, after which Uma turns to John and gushes, “You’re right, she is an incredible talent!” And no one in this scene is drunk or kidding.
2. Shawnee Smith flailing around in a pit filled with cruddy syringes in Saw II. And that other girl getting her wrists caught in a blade trap a little later. And pretty much everything else in that movie too, what the hell.
3. Elijah Wood smiling ever so slightly as DOGS gnaw at the STUMPS of his SEVERED ARMS AND LEGS in Sin City. Oh my GOD.
4. George Clooney having his fingernails torn out with pliers in Syriana. (By a terrorist—not for fun.)
5. Prolonged montages of Bai Ling chopping up the, um, secret ingredient for her youth-restoring dumplings in Three... Extremes.
6. Prolonged scenes of Bai Ling’s customers munching away on said dumplings. With super-enhanced sound effects. I will never eat again.

Memoirs of a Geisha
Pride & Prejudice
Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride
Brokeback Mountain

Christian Bale, Liam Neeson, Gary Oldman, Cillian Murphy, Tom Wilkinson, and Linus Roache in Batman Begins

Chicken Little

Zathura

Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous

Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous

Transamerica
The Family Stone

The Producers

Bewitched

Melinda & Melinda

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in Mr. and Mrs. Smith

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in Mr. and Mrs. Smith

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in Mr. and Mrs. Smith

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes as “the Tomkat,” sharing a name with the gay porn theater three block from my house

Tilda Swinton as the White Witch in The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

Matthew Macfadyen in as Mr. Darcy in Pride & Prejudice

March of the Penguins' titular birds going three months without food in the middle of winter on the South Pole

Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (oh no!)

Whoever told Nicole Kidman she should turn down The Producers to star in Bewitched

Whoever had the idea to cast Catherine Keener in The 40 Year Old Virgin, playing someone silly, sexy, and endearing rather than her typical hard, cynical, and bitchy

Lindsay Lohan for absolutely everything she did this year (except “Rumors”!)

Jennifer Lopez in Monster-in-Law

The digitally-altered complexions of all human characters in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Sandra Bullock reminding us she can act and stealing Crash with just a few short scenes

Seeing Hilary Duff’s sunken, weathered face in the Cheaper By The Dozen 2 trailer and realizing she is actually supposed to look younger than Steve Martin

The horrifying transformation of a small child into a gingerbread man in The Brothers Grimm

Get Rich or Die Tryin’

The Ringer, ripping off its plot from an episode of South Park (which you should watch instead)

Doom

Pride & Prejudice

Gary Beach in The Producers

Pete Postlethwaite in Aeon Flux

Tilda Swinton as the White Witch in The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

Frances McDormand in Aeon Flux, wearing a corset and massive red fright wig. And it’s backlit. AND SHE’S NOT DRUNK OR KIDDING

The Ring Two
Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous
Constantine
The Brothers Grimm
Flightplan

A History of Violence
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

Fever Pitch
The Upside of Anger
Zathura
Oliver Twist

Rumor Has It... (“Get me a copy of The Terminator!”)

The second time Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal get it on in Brokeback Mountain

Eric Bana relives the Munich massacre though the medium of screwing his wife in Munich

Jessica Simpson fucks a car in the video for “These Boots Are Made for Walkin’” (The Dukes of Hazzard tie-in)

Tom Cruise is sucked into a giant alien anus in War of the Worlds

Gary Beach and Roger Bart in The Producers

Elijah Wood in Green Street Hooligans

Michael Bay blaming Scarlett Johansson for the failure of The Island

Thank You for Smoking
The Fountain
Lady in the Water
X-Men 3
Dreamgirls
Marie-Antoinette
Confetti
American Dreamz
Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man’s Chest
Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
Manderlay
V for Vendetta

Tristan & Isolde (WHAT’S AN ISOLDE)
Firewall
Superman Returns
Big Momma’s House 2
Glory Road
Mission: Impossible 3
Underworld: Evolution
Bloodrayne