| POSEIDON |
 2006 - USADirector: Wolfgang Petersen
- Reviewed by Linda
Josh Lucas metaphorically arm wrestles Kurt Russell to be named Stud Survivor of the Movie. He has absurdly turquoise blue eyes, sexy stubble, and an unexplained scar on his eyebrow marring his otherwise perfect face. All we know beforehand is that Josh is a gambler, and that he can make a woman go weak at the knees simply by boring a hole into her head with his baby-blues. But apparently he is also super-strong, is really good at holding his breath, and is very adept at reading maps of a huge cruise ship—maps that are now posted conveniently upside-down on a wall whenever you might need them. He's the guy with the Escape Plan. But, trumping handsome Josh is Kurt Russell. Kurt is the ex-Mayor of New York, and—get this—an ex-firefighter. Yes, basically he is the equivalent of Rudolph Guiliani and a 9/11 hero all blended into one conveniently square-jawed handsome man. But his daughter (Emmy Rossum) keeps telling him that she doesn't need her strong daddy anymore, because she has a new man in her life, pretty boy Christian (Mike Vogel). So basically when Kurt is not puffing his chest out at Josh, he's puffing it out at his future son-in-law. But unfortunately, dramatic tension in this storyline is barely developed, as the men end up all getting along, leaving for disappointingly little macho tension. The only male threat to the gang is in the form of sleazy and gross drunkard Kevin Dillon, who of course dies as soon as he proclaims, "They don't call me Lucky Larry for nothin'!" (Bam! Splash!) The cast of folks struggling to survive is made up, in general, of people much prettier than in the classic original (oh how I missed Shelly Winters, and old Grandpa from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory!). There's a hot mom and her annoying kid (Jacinda Barrett and Jimmy Bennett), and a hot stowaway (Mía Maestro) and her maybe-boyfriend (Freddy Rodríguez). Then there's poor Richard Dreyfuss, who gets to deliver the classic line, "I'm an architect! So I know that ships aren't designed to float upside-down!" (Wha???). Oh, and Richard Dreyfuss' character is a gay man, you see, and all gay men wear a single diamond earring (according to the Table of The Gays that he sits at before the ship flips). But after his token gayness is established, he's practically making out with the hot stowaway, probably much to the relief of the audience. Wasting no time on character development, the film is quite literally one action scene after another, with lots and lots of water everywhere. There are plenty of fiery explosions, so that Kurt can use his fireman-skills and explain different types of flames. There are plenty of moments to establish new insta-couples among the strangers, simply based on the "me, man—you, woman" primal survival impulses. Plus you may learn a thing or two about being crafty in dangerous situations, like how to lift a beam off of someone or how to pry open an elevator door ("We need to use leverage!" it is explained in both scenes), or even how to unscrew tight bolts using a crucifix pendant (!). And thank goodness for emergency generators, or else the whole freakin' movie would have been in the dark, and that certainly would be no fun to watch. It has been awhile since I've seen the original Poseidon Adventure from 1972, but I remember actually enjoying the (developed!) characters, and being actually moved when they kicked the bucket one by one. The folks in this remake take second billing to the special effects—some of which are good, and some of which (like the CGI of the outside of the ship) are kind of sucky. Director Wolfgang Peterson, with too many Hollywood dollars in his eyes, once again disappoints after such duds as Troy and The Perfect Storm. I don't think it's a coincidence that the most tense scene in Poseidon takes place in the extreme claustrophobia of an air vent, with ever-rising water whoosing into the small space. Wolfgang, remember your early submarine-disaster masterpiece Das Boot? Your audience longs for the days when you take it down a notch and remember that human drama is what makes a disaster flick memorable, not just a big wave. |
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New Years Eve. Rogue wave. Big cruise ship flips over. A motely crew of survivors, led by testosterone-driven handsome men, scramble to the bottom of the ship, which is actually the top, hoping for escape. That is the plot of Poseidon. It is all you need to know, because really, that's all there is. Now, watch out for that leak!
