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 2007 - USADirector: Lee Tamahori
- Reviewed by Vickie
For many, Jessica Biel is a second-rate talent whose sudden bullet-train ride to the A-list has been an inexplicable phenomenon akin to Mentos in Diet Coke or Kim Basinger’s Oscar win. (*waving to Moviepie’s Eric*) To those people, she’s a former TV star with limited acting range, who’s nonetheless managed to wedge herself among the power players in Hollywood through a combination of determination and carefully orchestrated, high-profile PR stunts (hello, Justin Timberlake!). But, to me, she’s like the hot little engine that could—chugging along her track, undeterred by the naysayers, the cinematic flops (Stealth, anyone?) and her own increasingly toned bod. She’s like Arnold Schwarzenegger, minus the accent and the steroids—she’s not exceptionally gifted but, man, does she know how to work what she’s got. Even when her projects are awful, I’m still able to look up at the screen and think, “Gee, she’s got nice teeth.” Or, “Holy hell, she could crush me with those arms!” To that end, I voluntarily sat through this latest crapfest, mainly because I wanted to see what Jess would do with what would surely be laughable material. Turns out, what she does here is act badly. Very badly. Based on the short story The Golden Man by Philip K. Dick, Next centers on Cris Johnson (Nicolas Cage, sporting yet another shiteous hairdo), a two-bit magician in Las Vegas, who also has the unique—and some would say, rather pointless—ability to see the future. Well, two minutes into the future, anyway, which suddenly makes his talent a little less thrilling. It’s like Cris lives on a permanent two-minute delay: he knows what’s coming and then has a minute and change to decide what to do about it. Forget about trying to wrap your brain around the implications of this “gift”—e.g., if he’s always seeing two minutes ahead, what is his body doing in the present while his brain is in the future?—it’ll only irritate you.
For some unknown reason, the FBI have discovered Cris’s talent and send
Julianne Moore, Lady Cop, to fetch him so that he might help prevent
the detonation of a big, fat bomb. Julianne Moore, Lady Cop, tries to convince Cris to help save the world through a series of veiled threats and snicker-worthy dialogue, but he wants none of it. No explanation is given as to why—I mean, wouldn’t it be kind of nice if you used your powers to save hundreds of thousands of lives? No? Okay then. Jerk. But Cris has a change of heart once he meets and instantly falls for Liz (Biel), who’s the most wholesome character to float onscreen since Laura Ingalls... and I’m pretty sure Laura would have looked edgy in comparison. Liz wears flowy, flowery dresses and sensible shoes and teaches English to poor Native American kids on a remote reserve. I kept waiting for her halo to appear, but it didn’t. [Keep in mind that delicate-flower Liz is played by Jessica Biel. Jessica Biel, people. That’s sort of like casting Sharon Stone as an autistic teenager or Abigail Breslin as a serial killer.] An international group of clichéd bad guys led by Thomas Kretschmann also want to get their hands on Cris (seriously, how do so many people all around the world know about this guy???), because they fear he’ll stop their nefarious bomb-detonation plan. So, Kretschmann and his non-descript, Euro-trashy henchmen get thrown into the convoluted mix, as well... presumably to up the threat level. Instead, they up the camp level. There were so many things wrong with this movie that it became much easier to watch it as a comedy rather than a sci-fi thriller. And, really, there’s a lot of stuff to make you laugh here—horrid dialogue; Cage’s ubiquitous wooden line readings and perpetual puppy-dog eyes; Biel’s simultaneous femme-fatale moments (director Lee Tamahori doesn’t hesitate to throw in some gratuitous and totally out-of-place porn-tastic cheesecake shots) and simpering wimp schtick; and the entire Julianne Moore, Lady Cop, character as a whole. Plot holes abound and I was left with more questions than answers by the time the film ended. Nevermind the Big Plot Twist that comes in the final 10 minutes, which caused the entire theater to erupt in laughter. Lame! But back to Biel. I have no idea what her handlers were thinking when they gave her this script and allowed her to sign on. It has “turd” written all over it, and she would have been wise to pass. Yet, despite what it means for her career (which is to say: nothing), I still found her entertaining in it, if even for all the wrong reasons. Watching her try to squeeze out some emotion or get a single tear to drift down her cheek à la Demi Moore in Ghost made the whole experience worthwhile, and I can only hope that her next film is some sort of period drama where she’s asked to speak in an accent. Dreadful though it may be, like Next, I’m certain it will bring a smile to my face when I see it. DVD NOTES - by LindaI must admit, I'm a little disappointed that there wasn't a special effects featurette about Nicolas Cage's weird greasy hair. At least an explanation would have helped, but director Lee Tamahori is nowhere to be seen. In turn, you get the usual making-ofs, the most interesting being the short piece about the discovery of the remote paradise-like Indian Reserve in the Grand Canyon that is used during the Jessica-Biel-is-a-saint scene. Just when you want to run there yourself, they note that Nic Cage himself suggested it because that is where he helicoptered his girlfriend on their first date. Ew. Now if I ever go there, I'll imagine him sitting under a tree looking at me with the "I think he likes you" look. And for Jessica Biel fans, the best extra is a short interview with her—completely incomprehensive and babbling—trying to explain what she would do with the superpower of looking two minutes into the future. N'kay. Next! |
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Hello. My name is Vickie, and I’m a Jessica Biel apologist.
