| THE GIRL NEXT DOOR |
 2004 - USADirector: Luke Greenfield - Reviewed by Vickie
I’m pretty sure the filmmakers intended to make a wacky teen sex romp along the lines of Porky’s or American Pie. Instead, they wound up with a stinky and, more importantly, really BORING, unfunny movie laden with inconsistencies, implausibilities and gaping plot holes that are simply glossed over or altogether ignored. Emile Hirsch (The Emperor’s Club) plays Matthew, a nerdy, straitlaced, insecure teenager who somehow managed to nonetheless be voted his high school’s student body president. (He’s picked on and a social outcast, yet enough people liked him at some point to put him in charge of the school???) Anyway, a melancholy Matthew is in the process of preparing for graduation and his post-high school life at college when his world suddenly gets more interesting: a sexy new vixen named Danielle (Elisha Cuthbert, 24) moves in next door. She takes a liking to Matthew and the two of them start to get close. But it turns out (and this isn’t a spoiler, so calm down) she’s a porn star and he’s a virgin. Awww, how cute, right? Wrong. At this point, the filmmakers decide to up the ante by throwing in all kinds of subplots. Danielle’s secret past! Danielle’s cheesily suave ex, Kelly (Timothy Olyphant, the film’s sole bright spot)! A rival porn producer who wants Danielle! An Asian math genius the school’s sponsoring! And last but not least, Matthew’s irritating, oversexed best pals Eli (Joan of Arcadia’s Chris Marquette in a disturbingly profane turn) and...wait for the comic possibilities... Klitz (Paul Dano)! That’s right, there’s a boy named Klitz—"with a K!" (ha ha, get it?!)—in a movie about a porn star! I’ll wait while you sew up your split sides. Girl spirals into a big, messy jumble of ideas. Danielle is a likable enough character and the film has some serious Weird Science undertones (nerds taken under the wing of sexy, older, experienced woman), but it starts to veer way off course and never really recovers. I can’t count how many times I stared at the screen and thought, "Wait...what? Huh? They’re kidding, right?" I wish they’d stayed small and focussed solely on Matthew and Danielle. Why not hone in on something good? There was an underlying sweetness to their relationship, and Cuthbert and Hirsch actually managed to create some chemistry...which is saying a lot considering I’m not really a big fan of either actor. But I liked their scenes together, and there was a tiny shimmer of hope from me that things might turn around movie-wise. But no. Upon exiting the theatre, I wondered if I would have liked the movie more if I’d been part of its target demographic (which is, presumably, dim-witted 15-year-old boys desperate to see breasts on the big screen). Maybe this kind of crap would sell? But then, while in the washroom, I overheard a pack of teenage girls offering their own post-screening analysis and opinions. "That was the WORST movie EVER!" they exclaimed, upset that they'd wasted their time. And I smiled to myself, delighted that the future of moviegoers is not completely lost. |
| Home | Currently Playing | For Rent | Video Obsession
©2004 Moviepie e-mail us |
I hope I remember this little gem when it’s time to write my Best and
Worst of 2004 picks, ‘cause I’m thinking it might land a coveted spot
on the "why, oh why?" list.
