| COLLATERAL DAMAGE |
 2002 – USA
Director: Andrew Davis - Reviewed by Dan
I have missed you. How comforting to watch you deliver justice to the terrorists, drug dealers and infidels of the world. Watching you single-handedly dismember all the enemies of the U.S. of A took me back to the eighties when all my best years were in front of me. But alas, I fear this genre quietly slipped away and died a lonely death whilst you were not paying attention (serving burgers at Planet Hollywood, perhaps?). As far as ludicrous action films are concerned, Collateral Damage is as good as any released circa 1988. But, people... it's 2002. Collateral Damage tries to be taken seriously at times but then explodes into high camp. In other words, sometimes the characters have to reload their guns, but at other times a six-shooter can out-perform a semi-automatic weapon in that magical, Hollywood, action-hero-universe kind of way. This gets a little confusing. Is this a "serious" movie or The Last Action Hero Redux? In the first 10 minutes or so, we meet Arnold's perfect family. The little boy playing his son is so flamingly cute there should have been a target on his back. As revealed in the trailer, Arnold's family is caught in the cross-fire of a terrorist bomb—bye bye perfect life—and at this point, he is called upon to act. Watching this made me terribly uncomfortable. Everyone in the theater began to shift in their seats. There was nervous coughing. I cleared my throat and tried not to stare directly at the screen out of respect for the man who brought oxygen to Mars. But thankfully almost immediately after that, politics conspire against justice and Arnold travels to South America to really start kicking ass. He does righteous indignation perfectly. Nobody throws over a table like Arnold. The movie picks up some good momentum at this point. I don't think I'll ever visit South America after seeing this film. Apparently, everyone is a kidnapper, drug kingpin or a terrorist. And they do really awful things to people with snakes down there. I mean *Really Awful* things. John Turturro shows up for a brief moment. Why? Why did he do this movie? I'm betting there are at least six zeros behind the reason he did this movie, or else there are some really compromising photographs of him with the sirens from O Brother, Where Art Thou?. John Leguizamo does the humorous side-kick thing for a while. I wonder what those photographs are like. There are special effects in this movie. Some of them are not very good. When Arnold is swept over a waterfall (a la The Fugitive, another Andrew Davis directed film), he looks like a Shrinky-Dink caught in a turbulent kitchen sink. But then there are some gut-wrenchingly violent moments that are kind of like getting slapped in the face. Were you LAHFFING? Naht anymore! However, when Arnold locks eyes with the bad guy and drops a patented one-liner, it warmed my heart. My audience even cheered. It made me think of a simpler time when a man with a pure heart and a grenade launcher could make a difference in the world. At least in the movies. |
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Ah-nuld. Icon of masculinity and terse monosyllabic wit: "I am going to kick
you in your ahss until you are dead. Twice!"
