| THE CAT IN THE HAT |
 2003 - USADirector: Bo Welch - Reviewed by Vickie
THE CRAP IN THE HATCome here, little onesWhile I tell you a tale Of a putrified movie That is rank, bad and stale. It’s "The Crap in the Hat" And it might seem like fun But it’s vile all around From its start to when done. It tells of a feline Mike Myers in fur And the making of mischief For a him (Spenser Breslin) and a her (Dakota Fanning). It’s based on a story Long loved and held dear But you won’t find much love Or reverence here. Instead, all you viewers Be warned: stay away! For this lame adaptation Is pure garbage, I say. Now why, you may ask Did I dislike it so? Did I hate it and loathe it Just how did I know? Oh, for so many reasons That I can’t bear to list But here are some highlights (Well, lowlights) that you might have missed: The cat isn’t funny He’s not cute, sweet or slick He’s just Mr. Myers Doing Mike Myers schtick. And the schtick that he does Is too crude and too now It’s like bad "SNL" Geared toward the wrong crowd. The costume looks ratty The face is a fright And the Things One and Two Gave me nightmares that night. The story? So dull So not fun, so obscene Packed with unfunny jokes That lay dead on the screen. Live acting is wrong They should all be cartoons! And Poor Alec Baldwin Plays a greasy buffoon. Kelly Preston is stiff Sean Hayes screams all his lines And the children? Well, the children In fact, they’re just fine. But for fans of the book Fans of movies and laughs Save your money, stay home Let this one go past. It made my heart sad This bastardized mess Clearly out to fleece folks Who might not have guessed That it’s empty and hollow And serves only to be Eighty minutes of hell Thank your stars you’re not me. So to close, just a thought For the filmmaking crew Thanks for nothing, you guys Your movie is poo. |
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[Dear readers: Due to the extreme suckiness of this unfunny, boring,
offensive and indescribably awful film, I have opted to forgo a
traditional review in favor of something a little more reverential to
the source material... something, apparently, the folks at DreamWorks
and Universal chose not to do when creating this monumentally dreadful
piece of celluloid that is easily and by FAR the WORST movie I have
seen all year.]
