| BASIC INSTINCT 2 | |
 Quality rating: "Kwality" rating:
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2006 - USA |
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- Reviewed by Eric 
25 reasons to see Basic Instinct 21. The fact that it’s Basic Instinct 2. 2. If you’re looking for a celebrity sighting, this movie provides you with a stellar chance to find Sharon Stone as the only other audience member in any showing of Basic Instinct 2 that ever takes place. 3. It made $3 million on its opening weekend. Just go see it. I mean, it’s basically charity work, which should make you feel good about yourself. 4. “This was a beautiful script—a beautiful, interesting script, and whether it's this movie or any movie, it's all about the script,” said Sharon Stone at the New York premiere. It should be noted that there was not a laugh track involved, otherwise it would be hard to understand that she was being serious. 5. “What would you say if I told you I make myself come while thinking about you making yourself come? Well, time’s up.”—Catherine Tramell at the end of a therapy session in said beautiful script.
6. The “plot” concerns a series of murders that may or may not have been committed by Catherine Tramell, and the 7. Sharon Stone does not recreate the famous leg-uncrossing/re-crossing scene from Basic Instinct. Because this time she just sits around with them open all the time. 8. Sharon Stone’s face actually doesn’t move throughout the entire movie. The only thing in the film that moves less...wait for it...is the plot. 9. I lied. She actually demonstrates one particular facial movement several times in the film, which consists of raising her upper lip to make her “femme fatale face.” It actually looks more like “cat taking a dump,” but I guess nobody told her that. 10. That’s not all when it comes to Sharon Stone’s face. Her complexion has been digitally touched up to smooth over her wrinkles, but sometimes they miss spots and there are weird wrinkly patches in the middle of her face. (See also Stone, Sharon in Catwoman.) 11. Seriously, apart from her “intense” “sexy” “face,” that shit does not move. 12. Approximately 8,000 times in the film, Sharon Stone lights up a cigarette and someone tells her she’s not allowed to smoke in [wherever they are]. And every damn time you think she’s going to hit us with the classic, “What are you going to do, charge me with smoking?” Instead, she says, “I don’t like rules.” AND THEN SHE PUTS IT OUT. 13. As the movie goes on, and more and more people inform Ms. Tramell that she’s not allowed to smoke, the pauses keep getting longer and longer, giving us more and more time to gesture wildly at the screen and encourage, “Wh... Wha... What are you...” until Sharon Stone eventually says something tantamount to “okay” and puts out her cigarette. 14. “Come with me. You’ll enjoy it.” Sharon Stone gets to purr this line to Charlotte Rampling. I mean, poor Charlotte Rampling. One of Britain's treasures sexually harassed by a Botox monster draped in what I’m pretty sure is the dead mammal equivalent of a Thneed. 15. Speaking of the outfits. Holy shit. It is worth the price of admission just to see some of the horrors they’ve thrown on Sharon Stone for this one. Because not only are toga dresses something people totally still wear, they’re basically a must for therapy sessions. 16. You can see Sharon Stone’s nipples through everything she wears that isn’t black. I don’t just mean that they’re poking out. I mean you can see her nipples. And they obviously don’t get along because they can’t even agree on a direction to face. I think you know what I mean. 17. You should see the terrible, terrible extensions they’ve paper clipped to Sharon Stone’s head. I hope none of you email me to say that it’s her actual hair, because (a) I won’t believe it, and (b) if you’re walking around with hair that looks like it got caught in a garbage disposal, you’d better hope people assume they’re extensions. 18. They’ve also tried something very avant-garde with Sharon Stone’s bangs. This isn’t a compliment. In fact, Courtney Cox in Scream 3 called Sharon Stone and said, “Hey, your bangs look stupid.” 19. David Thewlis puts on this horrendous Scottish accent that obviously had a busy schedule because it could only put in a few days work. It had a cameo, basically. 20. Still, poor David Thewlis: “Can’t you see she’s just mind-fucking with you? It’s what she does, she mind-fucks with everyone! When it comes to mind-fucking, she’s the all-time genius.” 21. THE ALL-TIME GENIUS. 22. There is no actual dialogue in the film. Nor does anything actually happen. Instead, every line is either a vague and stupid question or a vague and stupid answer to exactly the same kind of question. I had no idea what was happening the entire time. 23. The only thing made clear in the script is the same backstory repeated 100,000 times, about how Dr. Glass may have been responsible for the death of a patient named Cheslov. If you want to die in less than 114 minutes (and you really, really will), take a drink every time you hear the name "Cheslov." 24. The last five minutes of the film negate EVERYTHING YOU HAVE JUST WATCHED and render the entire story utterly confounding and meaningless. The only thing that makes this amazing is that you didn't think the movie could get any more confounding and meaningless. But it can. 25. Everything on this list that sounded like a reason not to see Basic Instinct 2 is actually a reason to see it three more times because it’s so funny. |
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