[February 28, 2005]

Linda's Picks:
Picking Apart the Oscars:

• Perhaps the worst opening montage of film clips EVER. What was the theme? Our party sat there baffled... Was this the history of action? Romance? Drama? No, it just seemed to be a collage of films (Bambi! The Godfather! E.T.! The Sound of Music!) with absolutely nothing in common except that they were... well... movies. Hmmmm. I never thought I'd miss Billy Crystal's disturbingly goofy odes to the nominated films. Off to a bad start.



• The "blacking-up" of Chris Rock and his humor. C'mon, guys. Chris Rock is too smart a comedian to have to resort to black jokes. OK, we get it. He's black. The rest of the audience is white. Oh, wait... they aren't. In a year where there were more non-white nominees than, oh, I don't know, EVER; and in a year where it seemed only a handful of winners even had an American accent; it seems like the Oscars could have acknowledged that the audience might not be exclusively the pinched white America that they think it is.



• Scarlett Johansson, with some techie guys, up in the box seats. While recapping the Technical Awards given out at a previous ceremony, the camera repeatedly cut to over-the-top delighted reaction shots by hostess Scarlett Johansson, while the somewhat geeky boys accepted their awards. There was something depressingly Average Joe about the whole thing, as though Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise would suddenly swoop in and grab the awards AND the girl, to the delight of the audience and the humiliation of the behind-the-scenes techie guys.



• Best joke, host: Chris Rock, quipping that next year the awards would be handed out in the parking lot (referring to the bizarre new setup of having some lowly winners get their award in the cheap seats, and give their thank you speech while standing in the aisle—I kept expecting Phil Donahue to swoop in with his microphone!).



• Best joke, presenter: Jeremy Irons (after being introduced sarcastically for his comic skills), saying, "I hope they missed" when a muffled gunshot-sound rang out off-stage.



• Classiest: Morgan Freeman. We heart Morgan Freeman! We want him to be president! Even if a meteor wipes out the West Coast on his watch!



• Coolest: Samuel L. Jackson. If Morgan Freeman is president, we want Sam Jackson to be his bodyguard! No, his Secretary of State! No! The Secretary of DEFENSE! Yeah!



• Hottest presenting duo: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz. Sure, Penelope was a bit hard to understand, but Salma could read the phone book to us!



• Hottest presenting duo (2): Jake Gyllenhaal and Zhang Ziyi. Yum! (But Jake, you need to grow your hair back... soon!)



• Beyonce singing with a choir of boys: Ewww. Eww. Ew. When she started singing all sultry, I started getting this uncomfortable feeling of dread that she was just a couple steps from grinding on a 12-year-old boy. Yuck. AND we had to hear her sing THREE songs. AND put up with repeated reaction shots of rapper Jay-Z in the audience (who had no right being there in the first place!).



• Best Pronunciation: After having to hear Beyonce warbling in questionable French, Gwyneth Paltrow proved a class act with her flawless pronunciation of the Foreign Film nominees.



• Carlos Santana and Antonio Banderas. What WAS that?!?!? They looked like they were having a good time, but seemed to be playing and singing completely independent of each other. Completely independent of a cohesive beat or song, for that matter! Songwriter Jorge Drexler looked on horrified in the audience. But luckily he saved his own reputation in one fell swoop when he sang his acceptance of the award later, as if to say, "THIS is what my song was supposed to sound like! I deserve this! Reallly, I do!"



• The mysterious Breasty McBreasterson sitting in the box seats during Sidney Lumet's special award. Of the three woman (normal young woman to left, normal older woman to right, breasts in the middle), Chesty McClure practically exploded out of her dress when she enthusiastically applauded her man Sidney. Wife? Mistress? Daughter? The bets are on!



• Best tear-jerking moment: No, not Jamie Foxx. We award the most touching and efficient speech award to fluffy white-haired Robert Richardson (cinematographer for The Aviator): "This evening for me is dedicated to my mother, who has spent the last 45 days in the hospital. And I'd like to say thank you to all the nurses and the doctors that have taken care of her, as well as her friends. I love you, Mom." Sob! Yay nurses and doctors and friends!



• Biggest "so what?": Julia Roberts "surprise" presentation of Best Director. The entertainment shows treated the "event" like it was a second coming. She just had a couple babies! It's not like she was on her deathbed or anything. And we didn't even miss her.



• Give Renee Zellweger a sandwich. And a vacation at the beach. Nuff said.

[Read Vickie's Love It and Loathe It Oscar wrap-up, the full list of 2004 Oscar Winners, plus our pre-award Picks and Predictions.]