[February 28, 2005]

Vickie's Picks:
5 Things I Loved

1. Maggie. Oh, Maggie. [That's Maggie Gyllenhaal, for those of you who have no idea who Vickie is talking about. - Editor] How resplendent you looked on the red carpet, arm in arm with Jake! *sigh* Simply gorgeous. Luminous. Radiant. In a word: HAWT! (Runners-up include Charlize, Salma, Hilary, Kate and Cate.)

2. Host Chris Rock’s irreverent comedy:

“There are only four real stars!”

“If you want Russell Crowe, but all you can get is Colin Farrell… WAIT!”

It was hilarious watching many of Hollywood’s elite squirming in their seats, wondering if it was okay to laugh at Jude Law or snicker at the mention of Fat Albert or partake at all in Rock’s skewering of the industry and its stars. And the pre-taped remote from the movie theater was a refreshing bit of on-the-street humor!

3. The short-film wins for Ryan (animated AND Canadian!) and Wasp (live-action)—the only two films of the ten nominated in those two ategories that I saw. I felt special. As an aside, Ryan really is a truly exceptional film, so yay for filmmaker Chris Landreth!

4. Melanie Griffith. Why? Because it’s always fun to have someone to mock openly as they trot down the red carpet looking haggard AND overly botoxed at the same time. Speaking of which, I didn’t see Sally Kirkland this year. Alas.

5. That live-action short nominee who pretended to be sleeping when they announced his name. I have no idea who he is, but that was brilliant. I thank you, sir!

Vickie's Picks:
5 (Okay, More Like 8 or 9) Things I Loathed

1. All Beyoncé, all the time. What the hell??? First of all, one Beyoncé song during the show would have been bordering on one too many. But to have to endure the BLASPHEMY of having her sing the song from Les Choristes—a song which is meant to be performed by a young boy!!!—was too much to bear. And don’t even get me started on her “dancing” during said song. Awful! Please, Oscar producers, figure out a new plan for next year.

2. Further to number one, it was 13 kinds of wrong to have the overly greasy Antonio Banderas (shampoo is your friend, Tony!) making a ridiculous spectacle of himself onstage (“I must emote! I must look like I fell off the cover of a bad romance novel! I must EMOOOOOTE!” he seemed to be saying to himself) while ruining the song from The Motorcycle Diaries as the poor guy who actually wrote and performed it for the film had to suffer through it in the audience. Wrong, I say!

3. Hey, Sean Penn. Ralph Fiennes, William Hurt and John Malkovich called. They’d like their wholly unendearing and entirely pretentious humorlessness back.

3.5. By the way, since when does ANYONE think Jude Law is one of "our finest actors"????

4. Two words: Star Jones. Watching her “interview” (read: fawn over) the celebs on their way into the ceremony was painful. The gushing, the back fat spilling over the gown and the disgusting, faux-chummy banter with folks who clearly wanted nothing to do with her was wince-inducing. How many times did we have to hear her proclaim, “Here comes MY GIRL, ______________ (insert name of any random actress here)! Here comes MY MAN, ______________ (insert name of any random actor or director here)!”??? I almost reached through the TV to smack her when she called excited to the approaching Gyllenhaal siblings by shrieking, “HEYYYYYYYY, Jake! HEYYYYY, Mag!” Wait. What?! Did she just call Maggie “Mag”?!? MAG???? Really. Mag? ARGH! [A special award of merit, though, goes to Cate Blanchett for her very obvious distaste for Ms. Jones-Reynolds during her monosyllabic, highly disinterested red-carpet interview. Nicely done, Cate!]

4.5. E!'s decision to sequester the always hysterical Kathy Griffin in some remote tower, with access to NO ONE, for the entire pre-show. You guys are MORONS!

5. Jamie Foxx’s “HEYYYYYYYY-EH-EYYYYYYYY! HOHHHHHHH-OH-OHHHHHHHH!” salute to Ray Charles, where he waits for the audience to sing back to him. We get it. After countless awards shows, we get it. Let’s retire that one, shall we?

6. The whole “let’s shuffle all the nominees onstage like cattle and then pick a winner!” or “let’s have the nominees sit all in a row and give them their awards in the aisle!” ideas. LAME. I have no idea how this “saves time” (the argument given for this ridiculous new practice). I do like the idea of giving these normally anonymous nominees some on-camera face time, but why make them suffer the indignity of either having to march offstage empty-handed or sit in their seats staring up (while still on camera) during someone else’s acceptance speech?? I want to see them try either practice out with, say, the best actor nominees and see what kind of reaction they get from those involved. G’head, I dares ya!

7. Did I mention Beyoncé? Because I feel it’s a strong enough point to merit mentioning more than once.

8. Barbra Streisand and Dustin Hoffman’s end-of-show schtick. Guys, no one thinks you’re cute. Or funny. People (at home and at the theater) have been sitting on their asses for more than three-and-a-half hours. Drop the cutesy exchange and just get to the bloody point, already.

[Read Linda Picks Apart the Oscars, the full list of 2004 Oscar Winners, plus our pre-award Picks and Predictions.]