9-12-2006

I am sitting on an ice pack as I type this. Why? Because today was five-movie day, and my ass is sore. More specifically, the joint between my thigh bone and my pelvis is sore. (My chiropractor is welcome to chime in with the name of that joint at any time.) This is what I get for sitting my bony behind down on the unevenly padded Ryerson seats for three of those movies today, and planting it on their cement walls in between.

I was hoping to get to bed at a reasonable hour tonight (i.e., before 1 a.m.) but it’s just not gonna happen. Why? Because of the sore joint and because one of THESE (see right) scurried out from under my couch and behind my radiator a short while ago. My heart rate is still slowly creeping back down to normal. For the uninitiated, that’s what my friend Angela and I call a “scutigera” and, quite frankly, they’re terrifying. Totally harmless but terrifying. They’re usually about an inch and a bit long (in the body) with suuuuper-long, hair-like legs (as shown) that make them look like giant running hairballs. They come out when it’s humid (or, like today, when it’s pouring rain and very damp) and they ALWAYS do it at night. Usually just before I head to bed. I have hermetically sealed my apartment with all manner of protective sealants, but I live in an old building that houses these scutigeras and lord knows what else in its walls, so my efforts are futile. They keep finding their way in. I actually think they do it to taunt me.

Anyway, normally I kill the scutigeras (scutigeri?), but this one slipped past me. And then d*i*s*a*p*p*e*a*r*e*d. omg! I have no idea where it went, but I am praying with all my might that it somehow regretted its decision to promenade around my abode and retreated back through the crack through which it came. But my failed killshot means an anxiety-ridden sleep as I try my best not to imagine it crawling up into my bed and onto my pillow in the middle of the night.

Or, worse, lying in bed and worrying about accidentally stepping on it in bare feet if I have to pee in the dark.

In addition to the sore bum, the physical effects of my lack of sleep are starting to manifest themselves. Aside from being perpetually drowsy, this maddening movie pace is starting to screw with my brain. Today, as I approached the entrance for my 8:45 a.m. movie (yes, that was the start time!), instead of reaching for my ticket to hand to the ushers, I actually reached for my Metropass as though I were boarding a subway or bus. I’m floating in and out of coherency, and find myself desperately trying to stay awake in movies that are anything but fascinating.

Given my profound weariness tonight, and the fact that I simply don’t have the stamina to write at length about the five movies I saw today, I’m going to borrow a page from the Five Word Movie Review philosophy. Here, then, with another tip of the hat to the Margaret Cho Blog Brevity Law ™ is a rundown of mes filmes d’aujourd’hui:

Movie #1: Summer ’04 (5/8)
Sex on a family holiday. (German film about the blossoming sexuality of a 12-year-old, and the repercussions for her boyfriend’s randy mum…who decides to have some fun with a new stranger in the area. It was okay, but I was sleepy.)

Movie #2: Bonneville (4/8)
Old boys on the side. (Jessica Lange, Kathy Bates and Joan Allen embark on a cross-country road trip that’s laden with clichés and lameness. I actually groaned out loud at one point because it was being so over-the-top melodramatic.)

Movie #3: Catch a Fire (6/8)
From coal mines to anti-apartheid. (Great film from director Phillip Noyce about Patrick Chamusso, played by Derek Luke – a South African coal-mine worker whose brutal treatment by the police leads him to become a member of the ANC. Huge standing ovation, and tears, at the end when Noyce and his actors brought the real Patrick Chamusso onstage for the Q&A.)

Movie #4: Quelques jours en septembre
Vickie gets bored and leaves. (Seriously, what was this film about? No idea. I know it had Juliette Binoche in it, and that she was doing some serious overacting but, 55 minutes in, I still had no clue what was going on so I high-tailed it outta there. And, evidently, I wasn’t the first.)

Movie #5: The Half Life of Timofey Berezin (6/8)
Scientist gets bad radiation poisoning. (Paddy Considine stars as a Soviet nuclear-reactor staffer who’s accidentally exposed to a MASSIVE dose of radiation and who subsequently tries to sell 100g of uranium on the black market in order to provide for his family before he literally decomposes.)

Man, I am wiped. Thank goodness tomorrow is a comparably empty three-movie day.

And still no sign of that freakin’ scutigera. Dammit!

Celebrity Sightings: Derek Luke, Phillip Noyce, Patrick Chamusso, Juliette Binoche, Paddy Considine and Jason Flemyng.

Crappiest Crap I Consumed Today: Every single thing I ate today was crap. All of it. A day filled with crap from start to finish. McDonald’s for breakfast and lunch, a Tim Horton’s Iced Capp and cookies for an afternoon snack and a maple frappucino from Starbucks for dinner. I am ashamed. Tomorrow, I will eat a piece of fruit at some point, I promise.

Line Buzz: Good buzz for The Last King of Scotland, True North and Outsourced.