Director: Jeff Wadlow
Starring: Sean Faris, Amber Heard, Djimon Hounsou, Cam Gigandet, Evan Peters

- Reviewed by Eric

I'll get this out of the way at the top, just in case you have somewhere to be: Never Back Down is stupid, worthless, and irresponsible and no one should see it. Not even teenage boys with anger problems who can identify with the main character. Especially not teenage boys with anger problems who can identify with the main character.

Never Back Down is the story of Jake Tyler (Sean Faris), a violent high school kid who gets kicked out of high school for being too violent. You see, he tends to go berserk when other kids make fun of his dead dad, an alcoholic who died in a horrible car accident while Jake was in the car. No word on what kind of kid jokes about something like that, or why they're mentioning it on the football field, or why they're surprised at Jake's reaction. The point is, Jake and his family are on the move to Florida so the "plot" can begin with a new cast of "teenagers."

I won't bore you with too many details of what happens to Jake in Florida, but here are some reasons why it's stupid:

1. His love interest's name is "Baja Miller."
2. BAJA MILLER

Also, this school only has one teacher that I counted, and he only decides to hold class when there is some really, really stupid way to relate the plot to The Illiad (which they're studying) and pretend that something profound is going on. The rest of the time, these kids enjoy getting together for rave-sized parties in which several things happen:

1. The guys take off their shirts and beat the shit out of each other
2. The girls wear bikinis and cheer louder according to how much blood there is
3. Everyone records these bloodbaths with their iPhones

Jake attends one of these parties to get closer to Baja Miller and gets "tricked" into fighting the school's resident tough guy, Ryan (Cam Gigandet), who really, really, REALLY thinks he's Brad Pitt in Fight Club. Thus begins a really stupid rivalry that inevitably ends in a huge bloody disgusting fist fight. Can you guess whether Jake learns a lesson about unnecessary violence? Can you guess whether Jake ends up with Ryan's girlfriend? Can you guess how much of this has to do with The Illiad?

I'm almost done. But let me explain why this movie is unwatchable, instead of just bad. Maybe I just remember it starting this way, but ever since Any Given Sunday, I've noticed movies trying to up their impact by adding bone-crunching sound effects over people fighting or crashing into each other. Never Back Down lays these sound effects on so thick it kind of made me nauseous. Coupled with a peppy pop-rock soundtrack, the effect was disturbingly pro-fight and I shudder to think that anyone in high school might actually enjoy this film.

Oh, and Djimon Hounsou is in this movie. He trains Jake to kick the shit out of Ryan, while preaching that violence is wrong. He seems tough until he cries and stuff… maybe because he just realized what movie he's in.

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