| THE LOVE GURU |
 2008 - USADirector: Marco Schnabel
- Reviewed by Linda
Mike Myers, bedecked in long flowing beard and twirled moustache, plays Guru Pitka, who is second only to Deepak Chopra in the world of self-help gurus. Oh, but to be number one and to be on Oprah, just like his rival Deepak (who, yes, does have a small cameo as himself)! He addresses his followers with the greeting "Mariska Hargitay", which was not really funny the first time, and definitely not funny after it has been beaten to death about 20 or 30 times (even with a brief, awkward for all appearance by Hargitay herself). He gives power point presentations replete with acronyms made from everyday words (a joke also beaten to death). But since we needed a plot and a love interest, Jessica Alba shows up as Jane Bullard, owner of the Toronto Maple Leafs hockey team. She is luminous and bland, supposedly has a "schoolgirl crush" on the Guru (whatever), and Guru Pitka gets to have issues with his chastity belt. But she need his help, see? Her star player Darren Roanoke (Romany Malco) has been falling apart because his wife is having an affair with rival goalie Jacques "le Coq" Grande (Justin Timberlake, in a role that could have been funny if it was played by Sascha Baron Cohen). Can the Guru help Roanoke so that the Leafs can with the championship, and she can get into the Guru's pants? This is the type of movie where characters have names like Dick Pants and Coach Cherkov (played by diminutive Verne Troyer, who still can't act). It also endlessly makes up "Indian" names like Guru Tugginmypudha (crossed-eyed Ben Kingsley? I almost cried in shock that he was in this) and Guru Satchabigknoba. Read the names out loud. See? Funny. Oh, and elephants having sex are funny, too. Especially when the image of the copulating elephants cuts to two fat hockey fans giving lovely eyes to each other. Need I go on? Well, I don't really want to. You get the picture. Can I go now? NOTE: You may have noticed that I have eked out a single slice for this big pile of elephant doo. The slice is comprised of the few forkfuls that made a small moments bearable: 1) The cameo by Stephen Colbert as a TV sports announcer. Sure his lines were awful, but just his presence makes me smile. 2) Romany Malco, as Darren Roanoke. He seems nice and genuine. He's cute. And it was like his little forlorn love story was from a completely different film that might have been a pleasant romantic comedy. 3) The inspired fantasy sequence with Jessica Alba coyly performing a Bollywood-style song-and-dance. Awesome. Again, seemed like it was from another, say, funny movie. |
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Oh dear lord, this film was wretched. It was a never ending not-funny, the type of movie that just makes you tired and weary, as bad joke after bad joke slaps you across the face like a dead fish. Or, in Mike Myers' world, it is more like getting slapped across the face by a wet ding-ding, if you know what I'm sayin' (as he does his impish grin with shoulder shrug to show how cute his jokes are). Ugh. Previous to its release, studio-types were wringing their hands as the press, well, pressed that it might be offensive to Hindus. Well, it's not. It's offensive to everyone. Why? Not because of religious references (nouveau self-help gurus are the ones being mocked, not Hindus), but it is offensive because it sucks.
