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[SPOILER ALERT! Don't say you weren't warned... - Editor]
I did do some reviews on moviepie a long while ago, Tom (Linda's brother) being my cube-mate as we speak, but have been uncharacteristically silent about movies, being unimpressed many times. But, this movie was different, it actually made my head hurt.
I really don't mind "re-imagining" a series, it worked well for Battlestar Galactica, except the ending, which ruined the entire series for me, but we won't get into that, oh, sorry, we already did...
Back to Star Trek, a favorite series for me. In this version, Kirk's father dies being heroic while Kirk is born in the middle of it. How poetic, and contrived. Easily figured out in the first few moments, an odd looking Romulan from the future happily lets a federation ship run into him, only later you realize he could have pulverized the ship in about 2 seconds if he wanted, but what the heck, let them be heroic for fun so they feel better the last few seconds on their life. Lets not engage the self-destruct so we can destroy this menace, lets make sure it can keep killing people just in case we need to make a movie. How poetic and contrived.
A now rebellious Kirk somehow drives a classic Corvette to destruction. How poetic, and contrived.
Kirk is then older and gets into a bar fight with some Star Fleet boys, being the bad boy himself, getting beat up for the first time but not last and never really winning any hand-to-hand combat except for stupid enemies, did he lose his shirt? I don't remember now. How poetic and contrived.
But, with some sweet talking by Captain Pike, er, I mean, Mr. Crispy One Beep or Two, he joins Star Fleet and meets Dr. "Bones" McKoy who only has his bones left after everything is taken by his wife. But wait, I thought there was no money in the future?
Then, he beats the Kobayashi Maru test by chewing on an apple in a cocky manner. I never knew it was so easy.
But wait, there's more! The proverbial "we have all of our ships engaged somewhere else so lets send our best cadets to certain doom" plot device! It was so unexpected. Then Sulu, the idiot, leaves the parking brake on and the new Enterprise is behind the fleet by 3 minutes. 3 minutes is just enough time for something like 20 other Star Fleet ships to be completely destroyed, each one determined not to have Spock on it, because he is so cool and must be on the Enterprise.
After Kirk convinces them it is all a trap by some convoluted logic about lightening in space, they still go in and get crippled instead of leaving to make a better plan because they can't see what is going on by the convenient disabling of their sensors and transporter technology. Too bad probes don't work anymore, they could have used those.
Then we get a really spectacular look at a planet being destroyed that couldn't be stopped by Kirk that doesn't like a no-win scenario but accepts billions of people dying because alternate universes are like that. Aren't they? I thought so.
Vulcan gets pulverized and Spock is now part of an endangered species list so gets government aid. Then, for really unknown reasons he throws Kirk, second in command, off of the ship onto a planet that just so happens to be right next to Vulcan, but is never explained as to what it is, Vulcan's sister planet? It contains only Star Fleet people and no other Vulcan's obviously, except Spock. Oh! Spock, but no! Wait, it is Spock and magically Kirk heads right for where he is hiding because the creatures on that "Ice Planet" know where he is and lead Kirk there where they are then told to go home by Spock by showing them the light. How poetic and contrived.
Now we know for sure time travel is involved because Spock tells us so to continue the story. In the future, a super nova is going to really hurt the galaxy, and Spock, you know, the only one that could save everybody, because nobody knows in advance that this super nova, that is obviously near Romulus, is going to explode, least of all Romulus because with advanced technology and living near a super nova, you don't know when they are going to explode. Well, it explodes because Spock is too slow and it blows up Romulus rather spectacularly, because we always keep cameras close to explosions of this magnitude.
Somehow, after it explodes, Spock is able to get near the super nova and turn it into a black hole with a tiny drop of Red Matter out of about 500 gallons of the stuff. So, obviously you need to bring every single gallon of the stuff with you when you go to destroy something that needs one tiny drop. Might as well take no chances. It is amusing to note that Spock's tiny ship can survive inside of a super nova and then collapse it into a black hole after it has already blown up. That is just amazing.
Somehow, a Romulan mining ship shows up instantaneously after Spock makes the new black hole and they both get sucked into it, and magically time travel to the exact point where they can blow up Kirk's father. Poetic and contrived.
Of course, instead of trying to time travel forward again to the point before the super nova exploded to save billions of lives, people would rather sit around and kill off billions more because of alternate universes, might as well not try to do anything because you have before and it was pretty easy then, but now it isn't especially with Old Spock's superior knowledge. The Kirk I remember wouldn't have let this go by, but things change, and Spock's change, it is all poetic and contrived.
We now find Scotty on the only federation outpost on the "Ice Planet" that is right next to Vulcan (oh, this is so old Spock can watch Vulcan get destroyed, couldn't have stayed on the Romulan mining ship, too complicated), which only has this federation outpost and no other Vulcan but Spock on it. Wow, who knew.
Spock gives Scotty the keys to his own calculations he made in the future and takes away any skills he may have learned in the mean time, to advance the plot again and give the saving technology to the good guys. Now, they can magically transport themselves across the galaxy to moving ships in high warp. How poetic and contrived.
They get to use that technology again to fight the nasty Romulans who are trying to destroy Earth! Oh my gosh, can't have that, can't go back in time and save Vulcan, but must run to catch Earth. The convenient amount of time it takes to drill a hole in the planet gives our heroes time to get there and save the day. Even though, with one drop of this Red Matter (whatever it is) dropped next to the planet would have easily destroyed it, lets just waste time drilling a hole that we don't need to give us extra movie minutes of special effects. Of course, they could have just transported a bomb onto the Romulan mining ship, but the forget that is possible when putting more people in danger is a good idea.
Wow, they save the day! Young Spock gets into old Spocks ship and they warp away with the bad guys following them! They are so good! But then Spock, who you know, loves Uhura for no reason I can figure out, decides to ram the big ship with all of the Red Matter in it, probably enough Red Matter to destroy the galaxy, but we won't think about that now because he makes for dramatic elements of Spocks new found emotion chip...wait, I think that was another movie.
So then the bad guys ship is being destroyed by this new black hole, and Scotty beems everybody out of harms way magically as usual, they decide to stick around and shoot an already dead ship so they could have a more spectacular escape from something they didn't need to do. Ohhhh, they are such bad boys now, the bad boys of space, Spock and Kirk, I am so turned on right now.
And to end it all, they go back into the future and save Romulus, then Vulcan is saved and billions upon billions of lives are saved, and Kick and Spock do it again, and this entire movie never took place, all is as it should be and the crew goes back to the way we loved them.
That last paragraph never happened, because this Kirk and Spock don't give a crud about anybody but themselves. How poetic and contrived.
So, one pie slice is too much for this steaming pile of movie. It could have been good, with less shaky camera, less "lets pan around behind us and not use a cut so that people get dizzy and sick" or "cut in close so you can't see what is going on so we can save money by not training the cast to work with the stunt crew and put more money into special effects that make no sense".
-Scott
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