SCHOOL FOR SCOUNDRELS

If there is anything I learned at this School, it’s that director Todd Phillips sucks.

There is nothing worse than a comedy that is not funny, and School for Scoundrels must be one of the worst offenders I’ve ever seen. You can try and blame that on the fact that I’ve wanted to punch Jon Heder in the face ever since the first time I heard the words “Napoleon” and “Dynamite” in the same sentence, but there is one sequence I would show you....

Okay, first let me bring you up to speed. Roger (Jon Heder) plays a timid New York City meter maid who, in the opening sequence, is shot at and robbed by a couple of gangsters whose car he was attempting to ticket. Not to get off-track, but if you’re trying to establish that someone is shy or doesn’t know how to stand up for himself, it doesn’t accomplish anything to subject him to things that would scare the shit out of anybody.

When a third “little brother” in a row rejects Roger and asks for a new one.... But where is the scene with Roger actually interacting with his little brother? Why don’t we get to see Roger in the act of sucking at being a big brother? This is the kind of comic opportunity this movie is totally oblivious to, and instead we have a lifeless scene where Roger gets the news from his friend Ian (David Cross), who passes on word of a class where feeble guys such as himself can learn to stand up for themselves.

The class is taught by Dr. P (Billy Bob Thornton), who is supposed to be funny because he is a complete asshole. He berates his students, calls them names, and tells them they’re worthless. On top of this, for no reason, the class is shrouded in secrecy which is enforced by the massive Lesher (Michael Clarke Duncan). Roger pays $5,000 in cash up front to be instructed in how to lie, cheat, and steal in order to get what they want in life.

This brings us to the sequence I told you about earlier. Dr. P hands a beeper to each student and instructs them, no matter where or when, to “initiate a confrontation” when he pages them. The scenes that followed were supposed to be funny, but they just made me sad. One guy works in a hospital, gets the page, and smashes food into an elderly patient’s face. One guy is walking in the park and attacks a nearby woman, smashing her violin against a tree. Another guy jumps out of his car, smashes the windshield of the car behind him with a lead pipe, and flees.

Ironically, the only “confrontation” that didn’t bother me was Roger’s, in which he lays claim to a bully co-worker’s Danish and consequently gets his ass kicked. That scene aside, the sequence plays like Fight Club for idiots. (Even that pitch could potentially sell me, but it falls flat here.)

I am not a party pooper, a killjoy, or a humorless snob. Violence, cruelty, racism, toilet humor—these things can be hilarious! Yet here they all are in this movie, and I didn’t laugh even once. They were uncalled for, awkwardly shoved into the movie, never actually arising from the situation. Also, beware of any comedy that features someone getting kicked/hit/etc. in the balls, because it means the people who wrote it couldn’t think of any actual jokes.

There is a plot, sort of. Roger eventually begins to excel in Dr. P’s class, and has one successful date with Amanda (Jacinda Barrett), the cute Australian girl next door, before Dr. P starts taking an interest in Amanda himself. Roger must use everything he’s learned from Dr. P against him to win Amanda’s heart, though no one ever feels the need to ask Amanda for her thoughts on who she’d rather go out with, and can’t she do better than both these losers anyway?

If there is a single pie slice to be spared for this pile of crap, it’s for the ladies of the picture. Barrett is an actual ray of sunshine and so appealing she takes you out of the movie, and Sarah Silverman as her very, very bitchy roommate was the only reason a smile came anywhere near my face during this particular 90 minutes.

If there is anything I learned at this School, it’s that Todd Phillips sucks, and my undying love for Starsky & Hutch will have to be considered a fluke.

  DVD NOTES   

The Unrated Ballbuster Edition DVD (aptly named) includes feature commentary from director Todd Phillips and writer Scot Armstrong, plus an alternate ending that is surprisingly schmaltzy and less, how do you say, "ballbusting" than the original, a Gag Reel, and a "Making-Of You Didn't See on TV". The "Making-Of" surprises in that much of it is funnier than the actual movie (not difficult, I suppose), as the actors and crew deadpan their way through the typical questions, giving outlandish answers and pretty much BS-ing their way through the interviews. Sarah Silverman, for instance, say, "When I heard that I was going to be working with Todd Phillips, I was over the moon. And... um... then I realized it was the Starsky & Hutch guy... but I still wanted to do the movie." This featurette is worth watching if only to see Billy Bob Thornton and Jon Heder sitting side by side, channeling their respective Sling Blade and Napoleon Dynamite characters having a conversation about the merits of "tots".