THE CONTRACT

"It's Washington State, not Washington D.C."

The Contract is one of the funniest movies I've seen in a long time. It's also one of the saddest. The sad part is that it's not supposed to be funny.

John Cusack stars as Ray Keene, a nebbish gym teacher whose teenage son, Chris (Jamie Anderson), has just been nabbed for smoking marijuana. Anxious to set the boy on the right path, Ray arranges a father-son hiking trip. Things go swimmingly for about five minutes, but Ray and Chris quickly spot two men struggling in the river. Being the Good Samaritan that he is, Ray hustles over to the water's edge and tries to help. Unfortunately, he and Chris have stumbled upon a wounded cop handcuffed to a contract killer named Frank (Morgan Freeman), and they've just bought themselves a whole heap of trouble.

With his dying breath, the cop points Ray to the gun in his ankle holster, gives him the keys to the handcuffs, and warns him not to let Frank get away. Ray obediently follows his orders, unhooks Frank from the dead cop, and tells him to march. At this point, you're wishing someone would just cue "Billy Don't Be a Hero" and roll the credits, because this simply cannot end well.

Even Frank explains that this is never going to work because his people are coming for him. They're the ones who sabotaged the cops, and they won't hesitate to take out a couple of Average Joes. Does Ray really want this kind of heat? Apparently the answer is yes, because the next thing you know, he's traipsing through the woods with a hitman, dodging bullets, and playing Rambo.

As they struggle over the rocky terrain, Frank turns to Ray and asks, "Are you a cop?"

"No," Ray replies seriously, "I used to be. Now I teach high school gym."

Hold onto your sides, because this brilliant comeback is only the first of many. If you can believe it, the dialogue gets even spicier when our trio runs into another couple hiking in the woods. They have no choice but to join the threesome, and soon we've got them crabbing away as well. When Ray asks the man if he'll help him knock over a footbridge to slow up the hitmen, he actually screams, "I not gonna destroy government property - I'm a stock broker! I could lose my license!" And really, who isn't haunted by tales of stock brokers losing their licenses after destroying government property? It's probably a good thing the hitmen take him out just moments later. His career is obviously over, nobody liked him, and now his girlfriend can hook up with Ray - hurray!

These shenanigans are enough to insult anyone's intelligence, but Washingtonians will be particularly offended by The Contract. The movie was filmed in Sofia, Bulgaria (?!), but set in Washington State, and our residents are made to look like a bunch of hill people. The local newscasters speak slowly and deliberately, and the cops would be lucky to find their way out of a paper bag. When the FBI demands more helicopters, poor Officer Bill Smitrovich just kicks the ground and explains, "I put in a request, but it's not so easy up here. It's Washington State, not Washington D.C." Ah yes, if I had a quarter for every time I heard that around here, I could buy me a truckful of croissants! Of course, I'd probably have to go to France to get them, because when Bill tried to find them for the horrible, sickening, FBI battle-axe played by Alice Krige, "no one in town knew what they were." Seriously.

It's really no wonder this feeble little movie never made it to the big screen. No matter how many plot twists they throw at us, the movie is never more than an imitation. Even the excellent Morgan Freeman is off his game, and I couldn't help wondering what he and John Cusack did to deserve this terrible script. Did they somehow cross the Bulgarian mafia and have to work off their debt? Unless you delight in making fun of bad movies, you won't be sorry to skip this one.

DVD NOTES

Extra features include the featurettes "Inside The Contract" and "More from First Look", as well as a photo gallery. Does anyone care?