MISSING IN AMERICA

 Dude man, that just ain't right blowing chicken on a little girl. Get outta here!

Do you ever get so desperate to take home a movie that you'll settle for the first thing with a recognizable face on the cover? I saw it all the time in my video store clerking days, and I'm certainly not immune to this sort of last-movie-on-earth syndrome. That's how I wound up with Missing In America, and even though it promised Danny Glover and David Strathairn, I should have known it would be bad.

Danny Glover stars as Jake Neeley, a Vietnam veteran who lives a solitary life in the woods of the Pacific Northwest. His only human contact is with Kate (Linda Hamilton), the owner of a nearby convenience store, and even that interaction is strained. He's completely thrown for a loop when Kate announces that his friend had been looking for him. Friend? What friend? He finds Henry (David Strathairn) waiting for him when he gets home, but he hasn't seen him since the war, and he's not exactly accepting visitors these days. He's certainly not expecting Henry to announce that he's dying of lung cancer and needs Jake to take care of his young half-Vietnamese daughter. Though he grudgingly allows them to stay the night, his answer is no. Of course he can't take the little girl. It's insane.

As it turns out, the decision is not up to Jake or little Lenny (Zoe Weizenbaum of 12 and Holding). The long tearful goodnight between Henry and Lenny was actually goodbye, and Lenny and Jake are left to fend for themselves. At first Jake bristles at the little girl's presence, and admittedly, it is rather annoying the way she lays around sobbing like a donkey. She's outspoken and precocious, but what Jake feels more than annoyance is insecurity. How can he make a life for this little girl when everything he touches "turns to shit"?

Slowly but surely the spunky little girl and the gruff old man begin to grow on one another, and it's rather sweet watching them realize that life together isn't so bad. Things take an odd turn, however, when Jake starts leaving food for his invisible friends. Lenny thinks it's about time Jake met them face to face, and so, she orchestrates a picnic. They sit on the beach, grilling chicken, blasting music, and waiting for the "friends" to come out of the woods. Sure enough, a few Vietnam vets come trickling out of trees.

Wait, what? Are the woods of the Pacific Northwest really chock-full of reclusive veterans? I know that's where we found Rambo, but I thought that was more of an isolated incident. The first two guys are pleasant fellows, although they do ask bluntly where the little "Gook" girl came from. Jake explains that she's Henry's daughter, and there's an awkward little moment where everyone realizes that they're not in 'Nam anymore and that times have changed. Then things get even more awkward when Red (Ron Perlman) shows up. He hasn't spoken for years, but it's common knowledge that a little "Gook" girl just like Lenny set off a grenade and blew off half of his face.

He lumbers down, grabs a hunk of chicken off the grill and starts chomping on it. Then he spies Lenny, gets right up in her face, and blows chicken all over her. Oh, ew! It's just like the time Viggo Mortensen blew peas all over Patricia Arquette in The Indian Runner! This of course prompts more donkey sobs from Lenny, and evokes the ire of the other vets. Dude man, that just ain't right blowing chicken on a little girl. Get outta here!

Surprisingly, the picnic brings Jake and Lenny even closer together. He makes a better effort to be kid-friendly—coloring with her at the table, telling little jokes, tapping her widdle button nose, letting her listen to bedtime stories on his lap, and ultimately getting her a pet lamb... Or shall I say sacrificial lamb? Would it be better if I just told you that Lenny herself is the sacrificial lamb? You might as well gag at the heavy-handed symbolism now, because it's on its way.

Demonstrating wisdom beyond her years, Lenny forgives Red and realizes he's to be pitied, not feared. It's just a shame she doesn't know about the booby traps he's rigged up all through the woods. In his attempt to save her from stepping into one, Red gets shot with one of his own arrows. Lenny sits with him while Jake runs for help, then springs to her feet and announces that she's going to get a blanket. She runs right into a second trap and DIES. And Red dies, and the little white lamb scampers between them going "baa baa" in an incredibly contrived and sappy way.

By now Jake is wholly convinced that everything he touches turns to shit, but Kate shows up at his cabin and whips him into shape. She pulls a story about losing her own husband and kids right out of her ASS, and I emphasize ASS, because I don't think she has one line of dialogue that doesn't contain that word. Anyway, Jake sees the light, realizes that Kate is pretty cute, and they take a fun trip to the Vietnam Memorial together. The end.

Call me crazy, but I find this in no way redemptive or uplifting. I can't speak for how it feels to be a veteran of any war, but I'm thinking that if I were Jake or any of the other men living in those woods, this whole experience would give me a brand new round of post-traumatic stress syndrome. There's no reason Lenny couldn't have grown up happily among the vets, drawing them out of their shells, and creating a positive outcome for everyone. Shoot, Kate could have hooked up with Red and Linda Hamilton and Ron Perlman would have had a nifty little Beauty and the Beast reunion. Unless you're looking for a saccharine film that turns suddenly sour, you'll do better to leave this DVD missing in America.