CELLULAR

"Yeah yeah, have fun with your kidnapping. You're wasting my minutes."

Poor Kim Basinger has the hardest time. It seems that she's forever being dragged around, tied up, or startled. All of this alarming activity inevitably causes her to scream. It's not even a proper scream really, but something more along the lines of a yip... making her the human equivalent of a nervous chihuahua. I don't say this to be nasty, and in fact kind of like chihuahuas, but the yipping in her earlier films can really wear a person out. I'm happy to report that Kim (now in her 50s) has honed the yipping to a fine art, and in Cellular it does not have the effect of nails on a chalkboard.

I can only think that if I had seen Cellular when I was 14 that I would have LOVED it. I would have slobbered all over myself drooling over Chris Evans and I would have thought it was flawless—absolutely flawless, as the George Michael song goes. I have always been a sucker for a brown-haired, blue-eyed boy trying to rescue a damsel in distress, but alas, I am no longer 14, and initially had a hard time taking Cellular seriously.

Jessica Martin (Basinger) walks her son to the school bus on an ordinary morning, but things run amok after she returns to her house. Men break into her home, kill her housekeeper, and kidnap her. She has no idea what the motive might be, and cannot figure out what they want her to tell them. They lock her in an attic and threaten to kidnap her son if she doesn't tell them where it is. Where what is?! She is convinced they have the wrong family.

Her only hope is a broken phone, and she manages to get Ryan (Chris Evans) on the line after rubbing the severed wires together "forever" (hyperbole aside, I'm sure it only took her about an hour). Ryan is an affable if irresponsible young man, who initially believes he is receiving a prank call on his cell phone. "Yeah yeah, have fun with your kidnapping. You're wasting my minutes," he says. But he doesn't hang up. He doesn't show concern. He just keeps talking to Jessica in the most unrealistic and banal fashion. The tone of the first third of the movie is way off key and moves from mundane to jokey to serious too quickly for the viewer to feel anything.

Luckily the film does recover. The tone and pace catch up to each other, and it's possible to involve yourself in the story. We watch as Ryan speeds through town trying to save Jessica and her family at his own peril, and slowly the tension builds. His attempt to alert the police is unsuccessful, and that's just as well, because the cops are in on it, and they do have the right family. As it turns out, Jessica's husband possesses video of a police brutality incident, and they want it back. The world is full of dirty cops, but luckily William H. Macy isn't one of them. He catches part of the story, and a nagging feeling causes him to investigate.

Things really get interesting when lines get crossed, and Ryan has to steal an obnoxious lawyer's cell phone and sports car. The lawyer, played by Rick Hoffman has these weird Ken doll-like teeth and is reminiscent of Paul Lynde as the flamboyantly sarcastic uncle on Bewitched. His smart mouth makes you realize that what this movie has been missing is personality, something the Martin family is sorely lacking.

Apparently a tendency toward anxiety is hereditary, because Jessica's eleven year old son is skittish and exceedingly sensitive. When his mom takes out a bad guy, he doesn't root for her, he covers his eyes. The husband (Richard Burgi from Desperate Housewives) is equally helpless, but it's kind of cool to see Kim take charge as the strongest and smartest member of the family. By the end of the film, I was all caught up in the drama, and wound up with a little lump in my throat.

I actually wanted to see Cellular in the theater, but no one would go with me. I was left feeling embarrassed for even suggesting it, but if someone asks you to watch it, it's not necessary to say, "Hah! Ha ha! Are you kidding? No." It's really not as bad as all that.