Written by Jennifer
March 02, 2009
As the bodies pile up, you can't help wondering - was it Uncle Steven in the driveway? Uncle Joe in the bedroom? Is Colonel Mustard around here somewhere?
What a fabulously bad movie I just unearthed! The Spiral Staircase is dated, melodramatic, and full of cliches, but boy is it fun to make fun of. Throw in the always excellent Christopher Plummer, a young Jacqueline Bisset, and Elaine Stritch, and you know you're in for a wild ride.
Through flashbacks we learn of the trauma that robbed Helen (Jacqueline Bisset) of her ability to speak. We see her wandering around the yard when she realizes her house is on fire. Her little blonde daughter is upstairs, pounding on a window that won't open, but all Helen can do is bite her knuckle and look distressed. Her husband tries to climb up and rescue their daughter, but the poor stooge falls off the ladder. Helen then runs into the house, and finds her daughter standing at the top of the stairs. She tries to call the fire department at this point, even though the stairway is passable, but her daughter comes pitching down the steps. Both the husband and the daughter die after their falls (fragile folk, I presume), and the whole ordeal causes Helen's brain to disconnect from her voice. If this pathetic comedy of errors hasn't sold you on the movie, I don't know what will.
This brings us to the present, and not only is Helen mute, but there's a killer in town! We never actually see him, but throughout the film, we get sudden glimpses of one very familiar-looking blue eye. (I can just hear Wayne and Garth yelling, "Unnecessary zoom! Unnecessary zoom!") The murderer keeps picking off disabled girls, and everyone's convinced that Helen will be the next victim. Poor dumb Helen, better lock her up at The Sherman Institute for the night! It's not clear what exactly The Sherman Institute is, but they may give classes on business management. In any case, it's a big rambling mansion, and as soon as it gets dark, the rain starts pouring down! Oh my goodness, do you think the power will go out?
Oddly enough, the institute seems to be inhabited by Helen's entire extended family. There are her uncles, Joe (Christopher Plummer) and Steven (John Philip Law), her diabetic grandmother, the grandmother's nurse (the hilarious Elaine Stritch), Joe's doe-eyed secretary, Blanche, and a pair of married servants. That sounds like just enough people for a game of Clue! As the bodies pile up, you can't help wondering - was it Uncle Steven in the driveway? Uncle Joe in the bedroom? Is Colonel Mustard around here somewhere?
To spice things up even more, there's a love triangle between Joe, Steven and Blanche. Joe worships Blanche, even in her uptight secretary blouse with her hair in a bun. He'd really like to marry her, but she's just a prim Southern girl... until she's hops into the shower with Steven! This only intensifies the rivalry between Joe the perfectionist, and Steven, the laid back slob.
Joe just can't stand for things to be out of place. He's forever checking the crystal for spots, putting things in order, and talking about the time his father killed himself because he found out he had cancer. There is no room for weakness or imperfection in his world. Even so, Joe is quite charming, and he's always comforting the women, "There, there child, it's all right." Doesn't that just melt your heart? For a minute there, I thought I wouldn't mind having a cry on his shoulder myself, but something doesn't seem quite right...Something about the feigned innocence when he looks at Steven and says, "Cain was awful mean to Abel", and the way everything has to be just so.
Pretty soon Helen is finding dead people around the house, and in a fit of terror locks Steven in the cellar. Uncle Joe says there's a difference in being dumb and being stupid, but not so much in Helen's case. This girl is an imbecile, but the very polite killer thanks her kindly for getting Steven out of the way. Helen then dashes to the kitchen, where the cook is half-passed out and drunk out of her mind. She gestures wildly, but gets no response, so she gives the woman one sip of water. Oh yeah, that'll sober her right up. I'm sure she'll protect you.
A lot of running around the house and knuckle biting ensues, and by now you've probably guessed the killer's identity. I won't tell you if Joe gets shot by his own mother, or if Helen gets her voice back while calling the police, because it's not every day you find a movie that's so bad it's good. I know you'll want to find out for yourself!
