COLD CREEK MANOR

You know, I kind of feel sorry for Juliette Lewis. I just picture her going home to visit her trailer trash family, and pleading with her mother, "But, mama, I'm not a whore! He treats me all right! He's a good man... he only hits me once in awhile!" And her mama berates her for dressing like a tramp, wearing sleazy clothes, and hanging out at divey bars. Then mama cracks open the booze and turns on the TV.

Juliette, I'm not saying this to be mean, but all of the movie-going public thinks you're a slut. You really need a new agent.

That said, Juliette Lewis reprises her role as the local small town skanky 'ho in the fine new thriller Cold Creek Manor. Brad Pitt also reprises his role from Kalifornia, where he played a psycho white trash killer. You know he's no good, because he has no table manners, wears unfashionable 70s baseball caps, doesn't shave, and walks around shirtless, showing off his oiled-up six pack. You also know that Brad is up to no good, because, as in Kalifornia, he has rough, animalistic trailer-sex with Juliette, and she LIKES it. And she doesn't mind that he slaps her around once in awhile.

HOLD ON A SECOND. That's not Brad Pitt! It's Stephen Dorff! Well, anyways...

Brad Pitt (played by Stephen Dorff) is pissed that a hoity-toity clean family from The City (of course New York), has moved into his repossessed country house while he was in jail for killing his family. Wait... later in the movie the filmmakers imply that we weren't supposed to know that the previous tenants, Brad's skanky white family, were murdered. I was baffled by this, because, like, who would simply abandon their house while their man was in jail, leaving beds unmade, food on the table, and jackets flung over chairs? OF COURSE THEY WERE DEAD. Duh.

The nice Big City family is played by Dennis Quaid (why, Dennis, why?), Sharon Stone (well, we all know that she just takes what roles she can get), Kristin Stewart (Panic Room) as the brooding daughter, and some kid as the son. Dennis doesn't like Brad. Brad leers at both Sharon and Kristin. The kid starts playing with the dead boy's stuff. Brad wants to drive the family out of his house. Enter snakes, a covered-over well (The Ring, anyone?), and a dark and stormy night, and you've got the most predictable, slow, and unsuspenseful "thriller" I've seen in a loooong time.

Why did I hate Cold Creek Manor? Let me give you some reasons:

• The director, I believe, was trying for gradual build-up, a creation of dread. Unsuccessful. At two hours, it was just SLOW.
• Plant every cliche from thrillers into your film, and no one... I say NO ONE will be surprised (i.e. Beloved family pet? Killed mysteriously. Appearance of one snake? Appearance of many. Bad guy? Skanky 'ho girlfriend played by Juliette Lewis. An old well on the property? Ooops! I fell down the hole into a pile of wet dead bodies. Fancy stained-glass window? Crash! Dark and stormy night? Power goes out and psycho comes to get you!... Oh, did I give things away? Sorry.)
• The casting of Sharon Stone. Sharon, you are famous for being famous. Retire again.
• The God-given triumph of clean white people over skanky white people. Hoorah!

Oh, and Juliette? When you first appeared on-screen, my friend leaned over and whispered in awe that you looked like a drag queen. Just thought you should know.