HIDE AND SEEK

I’m not entirely sure whether the folks behind Hide and Seek intend it to be a legitimately scary movie, or just a fun and trashy bit of camp, but it doesn’t entirely succeed as either.

Directed by John Polson (Swimfan), the film stars Dakota Fanning as Emily Callaway, a bordering-on-catatonic young girl who’s been having some unspecified “problems” ever since seeing the body of her mother (Amy Irving) lying in a blood-filled bathtub, post-suicide. Emily’s father, David (Robert De Niro), decides – as all movie families do when faced with Trouble in The Big City – to move to a supremely picturesque small town somewhere “upstate.” He and Emily’s shrink (Famke Janssen) think it will do wonders for the troubled preteen, though what wonders the move is intended to do are never exactly articulated. Country air, it seems, is better suited to thrillers, though.

Once at their STUNNING and gigantic new home (conveniently located in the middle of nowhere), Emily (who’s like a Tim Burton drawing come to life) begins to come out of her shell. Still possessing the dark circles under her eyes and the stringy, dark hair that signals the audience there’s something “different” about her, she reveals to her father that she’s made a new friend. His name, she tells David, is “Charlie” and he doesn’t want her to tell anyone about their special friendship. Naturally, this slowly raises big red flags for David, who (like the audience) begins to wonder if one of the adult-male town residents may be trying to “befriend” Emily in disturbing ways . Meanwhile, David finds himself in a curious courtship with a local divorcée (Elisabeth Shue, in a monumentally thankless role), and the requisite Neighbors With a Secret (Melissa Leo, Robert John Burke) skulk around acting suspicious and looking forlorn.

Long story short: “Charlie” turns out to have a really short fuse. Bad things start happening. Scary messages are scrawled on the bathroom walls in crayon, dolls have their faces mangled and Emily grows increasingly sinister. She issues dire warning after dire warning to just about anyone who steps into the house, and it’s all somehow tied to a mysterious cave in the forest.

Huh?

Exactly.

While the movie attempts to keep the whole “who or what is Charlie and what the HELL will he do next?!?!?” tension cranked at eleven, the answer to the question is obvious about 15 minutes into the film to anyone who’s paying attention…or, for that matter, to anyone who’s ever seen a movie before. Once that mystery is solved, the rest of the story plays out in an almost comic fashion, right up to its magnificently over-the-top and wholly lame final act**, which devolves into a seemingly endless chase sequence. Plotholes and unanswered questions abound, and when the truth about Charlie, as it were, is finally officially revealed to the audience, it makes almost no sense and requires an immense suspension of logic.

All that said, there are some good things about Hide and Seek. Dakota Fanning is deliciously creepy as Emily, and she’s especially good when she’s trying to freak the crap out of grown-ups or other, wimpier kids. Her tormenting of Elisabeth Shue is wonderfully wicked, and her performance makes the proceedings fun in kind of a B-movie way. And the luscious Famke Janssen is also good, playing the kind of warm, soothing, superbly understanding and ridiculously sexy psychiatrist that you only find in movies like this one. You just want her to take you home and, in a gentle voice, tell you that the world will be okay (*sigh*). For his part, De Niro should have passed on this project, as should Elisabeth Shue. They both seem like they’re phoning in two-dimensional characters for the paycheque, and even Dylan Baker (as the town’s ineffectual sheriff) isn’t as creepy as he normally can be.

Hide and Seek has its moments, and might make for an entertaining DVD rental for a dark and stormy night. It does feature enough scenes that force those of us with weaker constitutions to watch from between interlaced fingers, but it’s not really worth your $10 to see its silly storytelling fall apart on the big screen.

** An interesting final note: the ending that was shown in theaters isn’t, I’ve discovered, the film’s original ending. There was another one (just as ambiguous as the one audiences will see) that was scrapped for reasons unknown to me.