DEUCE BIGALOW: EUROPEAN GIGOLO

This film actually gets no rating -- not zero slices, not one, no rating at all. But the default on the 'Pie now requires *something*, so one slice it is.

Because, let's be honest: is there really any point to reviewing this movie? Or even rating it, for that matter?

Methinks no. It is, as they say, critic-proof.

Let’s face it, the people who want to see Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo are going to see it regardless of how awful I might say it is. And the people who wouldn’t touch it with a ten-foot pole aren’t going to wander into a theater no matter how much praise I might lavish upon it.

[I’m afraid I fall into the latter category, but subjected myself to Deuce’s misadventures nonetheless. I like to think I took one for the team.]

The premise is simple: Deuce (Rob Schneider) heads to Amsterdam to visit his pal, T.J. (Eddie Griffin), who’s become a successful “man whore” pimp. Problems arise when a serial killer begins knocking off the cream of the he-slut crop, so to speak, and it’s up to Deuce to uncover the murderer’s identity, clear the name of a wrongfully accused T.J., and (of course) embark on one godawful date after another with the freakiest women in all of Europe. What follows is a whole lot of puerile potty humor and intentionally offensive characterizations (though the Canadian tourist peeing all over the city did get a few laughs from the Toronto audience), interspersed with the casual discussion of lewd and crude acts disguised by their less-graphic nicknames.

There isn’t much need to deconstruct plot points (there aren’t any) or analyze casting (any movie co-starring Carlos Ponce has clearly scraped the bottom of the barrel) with this movie. I will say this, though: for reasons I’m not sure I’d understand even if they were explained to me, Serious Actor Jeroen Krabbé (?!) co-stars as a detective probing the murders. I can’t imagine what the conversation was like when his agent pitched him the movie and he agreed, but I’d love to have been a fly on the wall at their first post-screening discussion about the finished product.

Schneider is a likable guy, and his Deuce has an underlying naivete and sweetness that makes him sort of endearing. He’s like a lovable G-rated goof in an R-rated nightmare. Sadly, this mercifully short movie does little but crap all over him in the name of making 15-year-old boys laugh until they cry. And, to the filmmakers’ credit, maybe they’ll achieve that lofty goal.

But for me? No laughs, just tears of regret.