DECK THE HALLS

This movie is like one of those hideous pink, plastic Christmas trees that you occasionally see for sale in Wal-Mart at this time of year: it’s garish, it’s tasteless, it’s tacky, it’s artificial and it’s something so unappealing that it makes you wonder who in the world ever thought it would be a good idea in the first place.

Like a steaming cinematic turd, this hollow and horrible Christmas comedy arrives on screens just in time to disappoint families for the holidays. I’m not sure what happened to Matthew Broderick’s once-great career, but he’s gone from playing über-cool teenager Ferris Bueller to starring in a string of films where he’s an annoying, nebbish, high-strung caricature (see: The Stepford Wives and The Producers). This colossal dud is no different, and Broderick slaps on his snowman sweater to star as nerdy family man Steve Finch, an optometrist and Christmas expert in his small New England town. He’s the go-to guy for all things Yule-related (how’s the tree look? should we use an angel or a star on top? how much cinnamon do we need for the cookies?)…until a new family – led by patriarch Buddy Hall (Danny DeVito) – moves in across the street. The pint-sized Buddy, under the influence of what can only be described as an epic Napoleon complex, decides that he no longer wants to be “invisible,” and that he wants his house to be so spectacularly decorated for Christmas that it can be seen by satellites in outer space.

What starts out as a lame attempt at a non-noble effort quickly devolves into an ugly and eyeroll-inducing game of one-upsmanship between the two dads. Buddy’s decorating goes way, way, way, way, way, way, way over the top and Steve’s retaliation becomes way, way, way, way, way, way, way stupid. Steve becomes a man possessed…with rage? Jealousy? Insecurity? Scrooge-itis? Who cares. He turns into a screeching, manic mess and I felt physically embarrassed for Broderick while watching.

To list the things that are wrong with this movie would take far too long, so here are some highlights:

* vapid story, executed poorly

* unlikable characters all around

* absolutely ZERO chemistry and supremely wooden acting from Broderick and his onscreen wife, Kristin Davis
…who’s clearly on a roll between this and The Shaggy Dog!

* hilariously tragic and inappropriate attempt at slapping a heartwarming ending onto such a terrible, un-Christmasy movie – seriously, when Kristin Chenoweth (as Buddy’s wife) lights a candle and launches into “O Holy Night” people burst out laughing in the theater

* shameless abuse of the season to fool audiences into thinking this is the next Christmas Vacation or Elf when, in reality, this movie’s so bad that it makes Christmas With the Kranks seem subtle and sweet

The ONLY reason this film gets one lone slice is for Saturday Night Live’s Fred Armisen, who has a tiny part as a German town resident and who provided me with the only genuine laughs in the film. But that has more to do with Armisen himself than with his totally out-of-place character (really? what’s his purpose in the story? none!) in this crappy movie.

I cannot stress enough how desperately I want you not to see Deck the Halls (which will be referred to as Dreck the Halls from now on). It is a stellar example of everything that’s wrong with films trying to cash in on the holiday season. It lacks any redeeming qualities and its sole purpose seems to be to embarrass all parties involved in its creation.

It’s just plain bad. Period. Merry Christmas.