THE HEARTBREAK KID (2007)

In this remake of a "classic" 1972 movie that I've never seen (or heard of, really), Ben Stiller takes on the career-stretching role of an everyday-guy who falls for a girl out of his league, and promptly gets humiliated several times in the process.

I'm supposing Stiller's Eddie Cantrow is the "heartbreak kid" of the title, since, after all, 40 is the new 20 (or whatever). So, apparently it is time for the perpetual singleton Eddie to settle down and get married, already! He is feeling pressure from his whipped (aka married) best friend Mac (Rob Corddry), and is chastised by his hip pop (played by Stiller's real-life dad Jerry Stiller) for not getting enough action anyways as a single man. So when Eddie tries unsuccessfully to intercept a purse-snatcher, and ends up falling in lust (at first sight) with the pretty blonde victim Lila (Malin Akerman)... well, maybe she just might be the one!

After a hot n' heavy courtship of six weeks, Eddie impulsively marries Lila when she says she may be transferred to Rotterdam for her job as an environmental researcher. After all, her company doesn't transfer married people (um, can anyone say discrimination?). Eddie and Lila take off driving down the coast from San Francisco on their way to a honeymoon in Cabo, Mexico... and instantly things start to go wrong. Who is this woman Eddie just married? My gosh, she sings along to every song on the car radio, shoots beverages out of her nose, and demands crazy sex—all of that is too much for Eddie the straight-arrow. It doesn't help that when the newlyweds arrive in Cabo, that Eddie immediately meets the cute brunette jock-girl Miranda (sparkly and charming Michelle Monaghan) who is there with her extended family.

Chaos and double-crossing ensue as Lila gets so severely sunburned that she is stuck in the hotel for the remainder of the honeymoon (and the movie), so that Eddie can cavort with the lovely and down-to-earth Miranda. Promptly falling in love with Miranda in two days, he neglects to tell her that he has a WIFE, making him one of the least sympathetic leading characters in the history of romantic comedy. Of course it is a matter of time when all hell breaks loose, and these moments are only saved from mind-numbing tedium by the jalepeno-pepper wielding Danny R. McBride who plays Miranda's protective and rightfully suspicious cousin.

But when you think the movie should be over, it isn't. Putting Ben Stiller on the eternal loser pedestal isn't enough, as The Heartbreak Kid drags on for another half hour or so, implying that we and the pretty girl in question should give Eddie another chance. At this point, the boring and surprisingly tame comedy has been broken up only by a few Farrelly-trademarked mind-exploding visuals, like the mysterious "kitty ring" (I will NOT bother explaining this, as I think even most of the audience was confused by what they saw), and a glimpse of bestiality (!!!) which I did NOT have to see, even in a dumb-ass comedy (pun intended... that's all I'll say).

Apparently Charles Grodin played the lead in the original movie, and not only that, but the 1972 won AWARDS, so there must have been something about that film that made some dim-witted studio head dig into the vaults and require it to be the next remake. But people don't require award-winning scripts these days to make them laugh. Rather they demand Ben Stiller squealing like a schoolgirl while running up and down a beach with a Man-O-War stuck to his bare back. You see THAT'S comedy. And that is just one of the many reasons The Heartbreak Kid (2007 edition) sucks.