I LOVE YOU, BETH COOPER

Dear I Love You, Beth Cooper,

I do not love you. At all. No matter how much you wanted me to believe you were a reinvention of great high-school movies of the past, and that the ghosts of John Hughes or Amy Heckerling might be hidden within your hallways or lockers, you were nothing but a disappointment.

I’m not sure how you could consider yourself an original idea. A dweeby high-school guy named Dennis (Paul Rust, totally unconvincing and looking every one of his 28 years) decides to profess his undying love for his cheerleader crush, the titular Beth Cooper (Hayden Panettiere, taking this whole thing way too seriously), in his irreverent graduation speech? Really? Say, Anything: Remixed, much?

But I was willing to overlook your premise and give you a chance... until you decided to rip-off every other movie like you, and not even well! Just like Dennis’ goofy best pal, Rich (Jack Carpenter, the only likable person in the cast), who repeatedly drops actors’ names or film titles into conversation, you made no effort to hide the fact that you were copying better storylines and plot points from way better flicks. To name a few: 16 Candles, Pretty in Pink, Some Kind of Wonderful, Clueless, Revenge of the Nerds and, most obnoxiously, the far, FAR superior Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist.

Sure, Dennis declares his affections, but what follows is just one implausibility after another as he and Beth negotiate a long, perilous night of self-discovery and this-would-never-ever-happen-in-any-reality hijinks. You could have been a really sweet, funny movie, but no. You blew it. Half the stuff that happened made me roll my eyes in frustration; the other half just made me roll them out of sheer boredom.

For some unknown reason, you also have everybody amped up to 11 on whatever emotion they’re supposed to be portraying. When someone’s happy, they’re not just happy they’re manically euphoric; when someone’s sad, they’re despondent; and Beth’s ‘roid-raged boyfriend (Shawn Roberts) is a complete joke, so HUGELY overacting his anger that he/it becomes a cartoon. And nevermind her two best pals, who are equally pointless, like something out of an extras catalogue. Totally unoriginal and been done before a thousand times. I really expected more from you.

Dennis is a nerd, fine. But you’ve got him performing like he’s an idiot in some kind of bizarre, slapstick, totally unbelievable farce – every bit of way over-the-top physical “comedy” is unfunny and forced and, really, would it have killed you to find a guy who could actually act to carry your whole story? Because Paul Rust? Not so much. Again, this is ignoring the fact that he looks like the world’s oldest 18-year-old.

I know you think you scored by getting Hayden Panettiere, but someone might have whispered to her that she wasn’t starring in a drama. Her pathos is completely misplaced, and her big, emotional speech about the future and how high school was such a “great ride” for her actually made people in the theater laugh out loud. Not a good sign.

Worst of all, I Love You, Beth Cooper, you’re totally empty. You’re vacant. There’s nothing interesting or meaty or hilarious or moving within you that I might be able to hang onto in order to make being with you worthwhile. There’s just nothing there and, frankly, I didn’t care about you at all.

The sad thing is, given how many great (or even mediocre) high-school movies have come before you, I’m not sure anyone else will care, either.

Sorry,

Vickie