TRANSFORMERS

A big dumb movie for big dumb audiences. There. I said it.

Dear Vickie,

I feel like a sucker. I fell for your full-pie review of Transformers. I thought, "Huh. Maybe my initial instinct to run screaming from a Michael Bay film was wrong. Maybe it doesn't matter that the film was based on a Hasbro toy... after all, at least one enjoyable movie was made out of a frakkin' Disney ride. Maybe this will be one of those enjoyable Big Dumb Summer Movies."

I was wrong. Like Shia LaBeouf running from Megatron, I should have run from this movie. As it was, I certainly was bored enough after the first half hour to cut my $9.75 loss and leave the theater. Unfortunately my friends were having a good time, so I was forced to stay another hour and a half, uncomfortably shifting in my seat, and sighing loudly (a sound no one could hear because of the barrage of BOOM! coming from the screen).

OK, early on there were some funny parts. Like when Sam (LaBeouf) first finds out his yellow bitchin' Camaro is not quite the beater that he thought it was. Now, I've never had a car embarrass me in front of a hot love interest (Megan Fox) by tuning in hokey loves songs on the radio, but it was kind of a cute touch. Well, maybe it was cute the first time, but after the third or fourth or fifth embarrassing song, I wanted to raise my hand and say, "OK. Funny. Now let's move on."

Once the movie moves on to the action, it is non-stop, which is I'm sure what people paid their big bucks for. Look at all of these wacky cars, trucks, portable radios, and cell phones unfold and transform into robot beasties inexplicably 20 times as big as their original size. The beasties speak in perfect English despite being from outer space, and learned everything they know about humans from the World Wide Internets. You see, that explains why one robot talks like a B-boy, and another one does a Matrix pose when he is ready to fight. Funny.

The Autobots (good guys) fight the Decepticons (bad guys) by driving around fast as various automobiles, transforming into giant robots, shooting each other, rollerblading on the freeway, rolling and tumbling and sometimes even flying like fighter jets. I started imagining giant boy hands reaching down from the top of the screen, grabbing the robots and banging them together (slam! slam! slam!), "Rrraaahhhhrrr! Megatron, now you must die! Oh, no, it is YOU, Optimus Prime! You will be mine... (bang! bang! bang!) Rrraaaahhhrrr!" In fact, giant boy hands controlling the action probably would have made it a much more interesting movie!

I was expecting it to be clever, but it had the same smirky, tired one-liners as any by-the-numbers action movie. But look! Look at the giant robots stomp on Sam's parents' yard while they are all in the house! That's funny! It's so funny that let's make the scene go on for ten minutes with the same joke! Or how 'bout a little evil Decepticon robot that is like a rabid chihuahua, who runs around making little emotive grunting sounds like a gremlin! Or let's show how progressive we are and make the main computer expert a hot chick... better yet, an Australian hot chick! Oh, and make the love interest a bad girl with a criminal record of hotwiring cars! And since the good guys are so worried about humans becoming collateral damage, let's move all the action from the remote desert into the big city where millions of people live! (Pointing to my own face.) Do you see me smiling? (Note: Face of stone.)

Shia LaBeouf gets a slice for being a charming lead, and making the best of running a lot and reacting to a blue screen. Another slice goes to a couple admittedly cool transformation scenes, one in particular where one of the bad robots, moving really fast, turns into a speeding police car in one seamless moment. And the last slice goes for me. Why? Well, I should not only be rewarded for sitting through the whole movie, but I'm giving myself extra credit for predicting that there would not only be a rap-metal song during the closing credits but also a new song by the re-formed Smashing Pumpkins. And there was BOTH! Heck, maybe I should give Michael Bay a jingle and offer my services to write the inevitable sequel!

Thanks for listening,
Linda

  DVD NOTES   - by Vickie

The two-disc edition of Transformers boasts a host of special features aimed to please—and appease—fans. Divided into three sections, the extras are tidily arranged according to their subject matter. Our World tracks the making of the film, and includes sub-featurettes explaining how the film came to be, the casting process (including audition footage) and the military’s involvement; Their War examines the history and mythology of the Transformers, from the ‘80s cartoon to present day, and the modifications made to the robots and their stories; and More Than Meets the Eye takes a closer look at the desert battle that kicks off the first third of the film and includes some concept art. The DVD also features a commentary track by Michael Bay, and deleted scenes sprinkled throughout the the trio of features sections.