NINE LIVES

Honestly, I'd rather eat cat food than watch this  ever again.

Isn't 9 Lives what that sarcastic car Morris used to advertise? Well, I'll tell you right now that 112 minutes of cat food commercials would beat the pants off Nine Lives the movie. Honestly, I'd rather eat cat food than watch this  ever again.

Oddly enough, the universe tried to tell me not to watch it, but I didn't listen. The DVD froze and the player locked up, but I persisted. I made it work because I was going to see Jason Isaacs no matter what the universe had to say about it. Again, the universe was on my side. The Jason parts come within the first third of the movie, but did I turn this stinker off? Oh no. I stayed with it til the bitter end. There is no theme, no continuous thread, just nine lives in nine weird shorts.

First there's Sandra (Elpidia Carillo) in the L.A. county jail. She's trying to earn points for good behavior, but when her daughter comes to visit, the phones are dead. She has a fit. The end.

A pregnant Diana (Robin Wright Penn) bumps into her old boyfriend, Damien (Jason Isaacs—yesss!), at the grocery store. Both are married, but still have feelings for each other. After sharing some lusty looks, Damien kisses her belly right there in the personal care aisle. He walks away and she has a fit. The end.

Holly (Lisa Gay Hamilton) may or may not want to reconcile with her dad. She and her sister talk and talk, and I hit the skip button on the remote.

Sonia (Holly Hunter) and her unpleasant boyfriend go to visit Damien and his wife. Jinkies! We know Damien! Sonia and Boyfriend act inappropriately. The end.

Samantha (Amanda Seyfried) has really, really round features. Her mom (Sissy Spacek) wants her to go away to college. Her dad is in a wheelchair. Neither of them will shut up long enough for her to do her homework. I felt kind of sorry for that girl.

Lorna (Amy Brenneman) and her mom (Mary Kay Place) go to Lorna's first husband's second wife's funeral. William Fitchner is her ex, and he's randomly deaf. Everyone tells Lorna she shouldn't be there, but the ex takes her into a back room and shags her. It's okay because his other wife is dead, and she "doesn't worry any more." Weird.

Samantha's mom (Spacek) almost messes around with Aidan Quinn, but when he goes out for ice, she notices Sandra getting arrested in the parking lot. She wanders into Sandra's room, takes a shoe, and decides not to cheat.

Camille (Kathy Baker) acts bitchy as she waits to go into surgery. Her husband (Joe Mantegna) is adorably sweet. Hey look! The Mary Kay Place character is the anaesthesiologist! "Holly" is the nurse! Jinkies again!

If you've ever seen Playing by Heart, then you have some idea of how random characters and plot lines can be brought together for a tidy, satisfying ending. If you want to see that again, don't expect Nine Lives to deliver. Nope, we tie things up with Glenn Close and Dakota Fanning having the least fun picnic in the history of picnics—in a cemetery! Each short is well-acted, but what's the point? Call me shallow, but all I got out of Nine Lives was bored.