CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN (2003)

Suddenly the process formerly known as the miracle of life does seem cheaper by the dozen.

Q: What's the fastest way to suck all the humor and dignity out of two funny and talented actors?
A: Make them the half-witted parents of TWELVE obnoxious children.

Watching Steve Martin and Bonnie Hunt in Cheaper By The Dozen begs just one question: what were you two thinking? Why, why Cheaper By The Dozen? I am convinced that large amounts of money and possibly even some mind altering drugs must have been used in coercing these fine actors to make fools of themselves in this feeble excuse for a movie.

Tom and Kate Baker (Martin and Hunt) are the parents of 12 children, or monsters as they are more aptly described at one point in the movie. Their reasons for spawning the Baker's dozen were simple. Mrs. Baker was an only child who wished she wasn't, and Mr. Baker was the happy member of a huge family. But why let a quaint story rest when you could add that after number six or so, the rest of the kids were pretty much accidents. There were some twins, then the drunken (oops!) conception, followed by some more twins, and then the baby who arrived because Mr. Baker didn't understand the mechanics of his own vasectomy. As if that story didn't make me squeamish enough, Mrs. Baker later quips that after the sixth one, the others pretty much just walked out. Ugh! Suddenly the process formerly known as the miracle of life does seem cheaper by the dozen.

The trouble begins when the family moves to a new castle, er, house in Chicago so Tom can take his dream job as college football coach. Of course no one wants to go, and whining and crying ensues. Everyone hates it, and for no apparent reason the kids instantly become the victims of bullies. Things really go awry when Mrs. Baker publishes her first book shortly after they arrive in Chicago. The catch is that she must go away for three days to do publicity. The three days turn into a three week book tour, and within the span of 24 days the entire family descends into chaos.

You'd think that an awesome family like the Bakers would be happy for their mother, and could take care of themselves while she enjoys a once in a lifetime opportunity. Instead, the children go around cheeping like baby birds "we want our mom". The older kids don't take care of the younger ones, and none of Tom's seven fabulous siblings show up to pitch in either. Perhaps the low point of the whole film comes when poor dumb Tom cannot keep a single babysitting agency from hanging up on him because he keeps saying there are twelve kids to look after. Nevermind that half are old enough to take care of themselves or that more than one sitter might be employed. Just watching the whole affair makes you want to tear your hair out. With an athletic cup in the spaghetti sauce, a girl with a dart impaled in her forehead, and two kids slipping in vomit, the household finally goes into full cardiac arrest when the oldest boy is cut from the high school football team. Another kid runs away, their mom comes home, they move back to the suburbs, blah blah, who cares?

Cheaper By the Dozen is full of stereotypes and obnoxious characters, but not in a satirical way. The Baker's new neighbors are the uptight parents of (gasp) an only child, whom they have made into a complete dork. The snobby mother and pushover father played by Alan Ruck (Why Alan, why? I've always liked you too.) are supposed to make the Bakers look appealing. Of course the only child wants to be just like the Bakers and gets a thrill every time their shenanigans land him in the hospital. The eldest daughter's narcissistic boyfriend, played by Ashton Kutcher, doesn't care for her massive and unruly family, and so must be punished. You would think he was punishing himself with his cheesy white boy "Thriller" outfit, but the kids seek revenge by soaking his underpants in meat. They don't get in trouble for wasting a vat of hamburger, nor does Ashton sense anything strange about his shorts until the dog has a field day with his crotch. Hmmm, that was so weird it was almost funny. Almost.

The intended moral of the story, expressed with all the grace and eloquence of a caveman, seems to be "big family good, everyone else bad". The effect of the film was something more along the lines of "always use birth control". It's a frightening thing that so many people went to see this movie during the holiday season, but if you haven't already wasted 98 minutes of your life on it, continue to resist temptation.