Written by Jennifer
March 30, 2009
If I were married to her, I'd hide all my money and pretend I was dead too!
First of all, I have to give props, or a shout out, or whatever it is the kids say to my friend Diana for taping a Viggo Mortensen movie so slippery that it doesn't always go by the same name. Deception (a.k.a. Ruby Cairo) isn't actually that hard to find on video or on cable, but you get the sense that no one wants to claim it. I understand. It's really hokey.
The film begins with a long montage of Viggo (Johnny) as a baseball player, a pilot, and perfect all-American husband to Andie MacDowell. We then catch up with Andie in a mom-and-pop grocery store on double coupon day. Everyone speaks English, so it comes as a bit of a surprise when we discover they live in Mexico. When she gets home, she receives an odd package that she just knows is bad news. She unloads her groceries and tries not to look at it, but she can't stall forever. It is Viggo's teeth! This must mean he's dead, so she does what anyone would do—she hangs her head in the freezer and wails.
If this news weren't enough, Andie discovers that Viggo has left behind a heap of unpaid bills. This is very worrisome, and she must resort to such desperate measures as having a yard sale. Luckily, she discovers an envelope of baseball cards under his desk. This girl must be some sort of idiot savant, because she finds some marks on the cards and just KNOWS that they symbolize various bank account numbers.
Andie proceeds to travel the globe, cashing out accounts, and racking up $800K. By globe, I mean an actual globe, and by travel, I'm referring to lines drawn in crayon from one destination to another. The special effects in this film are truly dazzling. Eventually she discovers that someone is still using one of the accounts. Could it be Viggo? But dead men don't write checks, do they? Well, the movie is called Deception, and her wedding ring did turn her finger green... it's so crazy it just might be true!
Of course Andie has to find Viggo, so she flies to Alexandria. Love is in the air when she bumps into Liam Neeson, a foreign aid worker who once broke the strap on her sandal. They take a random hike up a pyramid, and later he sweeps her into his arms. She lays there limply, waiting to be kissed like a baby bird waiting to be fed. Ew! If I were married to her, I'd hide all my money and pretend I was dead too!
Then it's back to business, and Andie finally finds Viggo during one of her clairvoyant moments. She suddenly realizes she must go outside while everyone else is praying, and lo and behold, there he is! He's calm and unflappable, if slightly annoyed to see her, but he hasn't forgotten his manners. He discreetly steals away to remove a flashy necklace from one of his other wives, then presents it to Andie (still warm, I would imagine), saying, "I've been meaning to give this to you." How can any girl be expected to resist such charm?
They go for a walk, he pulls a gun, and just when it looks like it's all over for our psychic wonder, some guys shoot Viggo instead! Turns out, some friends followed her all the way from Mexico... you know, just in case. After Andie buries her husband a second time, she announces, "I will never forget Johnny." Well I hope not, she had three kids with him and chased him halfway around the world. This girl is clearly not very bright, but she winds up with Liam Neeson and a small fortune, which is more than I can say.
Yes, Deception is every bit as cheesy as it sounds, and there are holes in the plot big enough to fall through. I'm slightly ashamed I even watched it, but Viggo is a punk with a sexy beard, and this movie borders on the so-bad-its-good. I meant to erase the tape when I was done, but I just can't do it.
