NOEL (2004)

Noel is like the prodigal son of the Hallmark channel.

Noel is a sweet, well-intended movie chock-full of talent, so it pains me to report that it's also rather feeble. You would think that a Christmas movie directed by Chazz Palminteri, and starring the likes of Susan Sarandon, Penelope Cruz, Alan Arkin, Paul Walker, and Robin Williams would be pretty darn good, but Noel is like the prodigal son of the Hallmark channel. The poor thing needs to go home to a place where we expect to see movies like this.

The film takes place on Christmas Eve, and tells the story of several intertwined lives. Susan Sarandon stars as Rose Harrison, a woman who has spent her entire life taking care of others at the expense of her own happiness. She faces a lonely and depressing holiday with her mother, who suffers from Alzheimer's Disease and no longer acknowledges her presence. Rose is one of those alternately intelligent and flaky middle-aged characters that just drives me up the wall. It's so frustrating to watch this responsible citizen and competent book editor spend a seemingly interminable day in a variety of stupid situations, including a date with the office ass.

Meanwhile, Nina (Penelope Cruz) and Mike (Paul Walker) have problems of their own. Nina is lovely, fabulous, and funny, and every man in New York is just drooling over her. She's engaged to Mike, a cop who can't keep a lid on his jealous rages. She's beginning to have second thoughts about committing to a life with a smothering psychopath, but she really does love him, and she might be pregnant. Things finally come to a head when Mike catches Nina in their apartment with another man. He punches him immediately, only to discover that "the other man" is just a gay Christmas tree decorator. Hmm. Maybe that girl isn't such a great catch after all. She doesn't cheat, but geez, how hard is it to hang tinsel?

At this point, Alan Arkin enters the picture and gloms onto Mike. He's convinced that Mike is his reincarnated ex-wife, and starts following him around. As brilliant as Alan Arkin is, this character is pretty unbelievable. He spends a good amount of time saying creepy, vague things like, "it's been such a long time", and you just want to slug him. "Spit it out!" you want to scream, "just explain your connection!" Eventually, after some awkward cookie sniffing and a heart attack, it becomes clear that this man has come into Mike's life to teach him something—something that may save his relationship with Nina.

Back at the family home, Nina is crying by herself when in walks Rose. Huh? Yep, Rose just wanders in their house like The Little Match Girl or something. She's sort of staring in their windows when she gets swept inside, and she and Nina have a heart to heart before everyone figures out there's a random woman hanging around. Then Nina leaves the family Christmas behind to hang out with Rose for awhile.

Is this day over yet? Nope. Rose heads back to the nursing home, then stands at the edge of a pier, possibly contemplating a jump in the river. At this point, Robin Williams (a man she met earlier at the nursing home) appears, and they go home together. He helps her through the night, and through a series of tiresome twists, also helps her turn her life around.

Can you believe I haven't even gotten to one of the story lines yet? Marcus Thomas (Bigger Than the Sky) plays a lonely man whose favorite Christmas was spent in the emergency room at age fourteen. Hoping to recreate that wonderful holiday, complete with nurses dressed as elves, he hires Chazz Palminteri to break his hand. Um, yeah. Even in this company, that one's a little strange.

At the end of their Christmas journeys, all of the characters find some sort of redemption. The movie is sappy and causes a great deal of eye rolling, but it's harmless and easy to watch. I think the most depressing part about it is the cast interviews on the DVD. All of the actors (except for Robin Williams, who is uncredited, and possibly an actual apparition) express their sincere belief in the film, and it's just sad listening to them wax poetic about this future classic. Despite their best efforts, Noel is unlikely to join the ranks of It's a Wonderful Life and A Christmas Story in the hearts of the movie fans.