JACK AND JILL

Why? Just... why?

Why did anyone anywhere think this was a movie that needed to be made?

Why did anyone anywhere think the film-going public would want to see Adam Sandler screeching his way through 90 minutes of unfunny... and in a dress, no less?

And why on Earth would people like Al Pacino and Johnny Depp actually agree to be in it?

The mind reels.

Pointless, infantile and wildly unentertaining, this dead-on-arrival comedy is even worse than the trailers would have had you believe. Walking into the theater, my expectations were already as low as they could get, but Sandler and company still managed to deeply disappoint on every level.

The plot – and I use the term loosely – revolves around twins Jack and Jill Sadelstein (both played by Sandler). Jack works in commercials, is married to a Stepford-like dolt (Katie Holmes, who seems to have no idea she’s in a film this terrible) and has two cute kids – cipher-like daughter Sofia (Elodie Tougne) and sharp-as-a-whip Gary (Rohan Chand). Jill, meanwhile, is a loud, overbearing, clueless harpy, who arrives on Jack’s doorstep for what’s meant to be a four-day visit but, instead, turns into a weeks-long stay that tests the patience of all involved. Not the least of which: that of the audience.

There’s precious little story happening in Jack and Jill, and what there is isn’t at all good. As Jill tries to reconnect with her disinterested brother – she wants to take naps with him! she wants “twin time”! she wants to talk in their gibberish secret twin language! – she’s inexplicably and rather desperately pursued by a crazed, lovestruck Al Pacino (starring as himself)... whom Jack hopes will star in his Dunkin Donuts ads.

Wait. What? IS EVERYONE HIGH?!

Add to this a slew of sight gags and toilet humor (literally) that would make teenaged boys roll their eyes, plus a whole bunch of completely bizarre cameos – Christie Brinkley? the Slap Chop guy? Billy Blanks? Bruce Jenner? Johnny Depp?! – and you have one giant mess of a project that feels like a three-minute Saturday Night Live sketch draaaaaaaaaaaaaaagged out for eternity.

As Jack, Sandler has never been more lifeless, flat and boring; as Jill, he’s never been less likable, relatable or tolerable. It isn’t pleasant watching either character, so having them both in the same movie is twice the suck, not double the fun. Katie Holmes spends the entire film behaving as though she’s acting in a laxative commercial – half the time, she’s perky to the point of being borderline manic, and the other half she’s kind of shrugging in a beleaguered “oh, gosh, you GUYS!” way at the antics of her husband and sister-in-law. The supporting cast – including Nick Swarsdon, Tim Meadows and Norm MacDonald – serve no purpose whatsoever, and Pacino? Good grief. Scenery has never been more explosively chewed. And not in a good way.

There’s nothing at all redeeming about Jack and Jill. No, wait. I lie – there was one thing I actually enjoyed: the “twinterviews” with real-life sets of twins that bookend the film. The documentary-style clips were sweet, funny and the only real substance in a movie otherwise tragically devoid of it entirely.